Wednesday, November 24, 2010 | 11/24/2010 11:31:00 PM | 0 comments
nehmind, just a random thought.
okay it isnt really random.
i've been thinking like that for so long.
how i wish i could get some kind of concussion.
so i wun have to remember anything or think about anything.
how i wish my heart could stop beating sometimes,
so that i wouldnt have to feel anything at all.
i feel like i have been forced to grown up.
sometimes.
we all have to change under circumstances.
thats what i hate so much.
now, i dun even know myself.
i seriously feel so lost.
and idk how to find myself back.
my mind's like so confused.
that's another part which shows how much of a failure i am.
everyone seems so clear of everything, of their track in life, of everything they're doing.
me? i just know how to fail every single thing that i try to do.
even on Monday, i try to take ice from the fridge put into 3 glasses, also FAIL.
and BREAK the glass even more.
luckily it was some old and unwanted glass so i didnt really care.
and i think some kind of splinter or dk what fell on my foot cus it really hurt and yet no blood or no glass piece so i couldnt scream pain or what. if not they think i'm so vain/spoilt/wht shyt.
AND. i just embarrassed myself right in front of 3 guys
i wanted to jump right into the ground. ugh.
that's just an example.
i cant draw too, so i couldnt help at all.
and everything i did was just soooo stupid.
imagine if they had someone much better for a partner instead, things will be so much easier for them and the partner. say someone from english service who they at least LIKE and like, can work with.
i think they're all just working with me cus they're just so unluckily paired with me.
if they had a choice they would run off to mars or dk where to stay away from me.
i was just living in guilt for like the whole 4 hours or so.
and my mood was completely totally ruined. i felt so bad about everything.
i dun understand why some people can remain emotionless.
and i dun like it that i HAVE TO be someone so emotional and all that.
i feel so pissed with myself, like. idk.
i'm already bad with everything and i feel bad enough.
then the EMOTIONAL me has to like BLOW UP or VOLUME UP my sense of guilt and horridness and all that.
SIGH.
SIGH SIGH SIGH.
i dun wan Dec to come. i really dont.
its like. in Dec, such a big change in my life will occur.
which i DONT FREAKING WANT.
and then ppl will all be going overseas esp during that period,
while i continue rotting at home, and go to school to put on my freaking fake smile, rot my mouth off while dying with my bassoon reed, and MARCH. oh, not to mention, FAIL MY SYF AUDITION.
AND, i have to prepare for sch reopening nxt yr, and i havent done ANY work yet.
AND, yoga will go overseas. but this is like so minor compared to everything. but th stupid me cares.
yeah. i dk why i'm such a fool.
AND in Dec, there's youth camp and band camp which might clash but idk and fy said i could take leave to go for youth camp but i really dunno whether i wanna go. it seems like a decision that can be made in 5 minutes but the indecisive me has been thinking about this like every other few minutes when i'm not watching tele or doing stuff that doesnt require thinking. i really really cant decide, and i really need help in deciding but no one even tells me whether they THINK is "yes/no", they just say "u ownself see how / u ownself decide". sigh. im so scared that when i go, i'll be air, or i'll be treated like last yr, or like idk, i have no one to be with, not pam, not anyone. and phoebe isnt staying overnight, so if i go i'll be like a loner at one corner or what. and angeline isnt going. which makes things even harder to decide. and she just doesnt wanna go no matter how much i ask her to go. and although chen en jiejie and a few church ppl i ask who are involve in camp say yujia or clement who isnt, say i should go. but chen en jiejie isnt even going herself. and i cant like sleep/eat/spend time or whatever with GUYS right? UGH. and the thing is not that i didnt ask girls, but th girls are either not going, not spending nights, or have their own cliques and so on.
i really hate myself sometimes for th fact tht i just cant MAKE myself become LESS emotional,
or like. i want to improve myself and become better.
but its either the laziness or the lack of motivation OR the lack of ability or no matter how much i try, nothing just seems to work.
AND. now that its holidays, i can hardly even go online.
last two weeks not so bad, ben still had school, i had holidays for like WHOLE WEEKs which i could spend rotting in front of the tele, doing montages, and be online.
now that its after the "so AWESOMELY LONG holiday break" from band, i go to school 3 times/week, and after come back already so tired to go online or even do anything. then ben has holidays and he just like OCCUPIES my whole laptop on mon and weds when i'm home.
SO. i dont have a chance to go online and see which nice person i could talk to.
on normal days, i already have like. less than 5 people i can trust and talk to.
during holidays, i basically just talk to ONE person, yunman.
and its like. although she just makes me feel better every time, i feel like not many people ever bother or care one moment for me.
its really so true. i rather have 10 true friends, than 400 fake friends.
i still find the world so unfair. i still cant comprehend it. i still feel so lost and all that.
and my family and everyone else and the whole world, thinking i'm thirteen and can face the big big real, cruel, harsh world, just cruelly throw me into this.
all the teachings we have from young.
how to be nice to others so others will be nice to you.
how to learn to bear with everything and just smile so everything moves on.
and all that.
isn't that what we all learnt since young?
how come now when we grow up, things change so much?
whatever we do which we learn from young are just like NOT RIGHT, or INCORRECT?
or is it that i'm just not doing enough?
i really don't know, cus no one even cares to tell me whether i'm doing anything right.
its said that the biggest failure is not the mistake made, but the fear of even trying.
maybe its not that i dun wanna try.
maybe i've already tried again and again and given everything i have.
and then i got so scared and so tired, i really dun want anything else to go wrong, and then i make even more mistakes. so i am a failure for my mistakes and an even bigger failure for my fear to fail.
so the result would be like what i say, a big big big failure.
sometimes i just want so badly a shoulder i can just lean on for a while.
or a true hug from someone who really cares for a while.
or a "are you okay?"/"its okay"/" everything's okay"
not the kind where you have to ask for it, but when someone just approach you and give you a hug.
not the kind where you get a hug for 2 seconds cus yr parents come home from work but are rushing to have dinner so they can continue they're work.
true and sincere like from children.
they're just so pure and sincere in everything they do. even hugs.
idk, is it really that i'm insecured, or is it the emotional side of me blaring things up always, and that in truth i do have support and pillars/rocks to lean on?
or is it that i'm just being too miserable and a sadist?
cus right now, i just feel like im standing alone facing the big wide world and so tired i want to rest and lean on something for a while.
its the HOLIDAYS. i feel so stress just thinking about how my new life is going to be and my sec 2 life.
when the holidays are over, i really dunno what will happen. maybe i will really go crazy from everyth.
its 11.11, i just made a wish
but its not gonna come true. i know that.
qt, bible + devotion books, prayers, nothing seems to be working.
is it that i have too much time now, i think too much?
or that i complain i have only say 1h of family time everyday spent in HARMONY,
or that i have no friends time at all?
they say sometimes is cus coop up at home too long so mental a bit problem.
i go to gym at least twice a week now tht its holidays.
and i have marching now twice a week.
so i can exercise at least four times a week and breathe fresh air/ rejuvenate .
and my mind still feels this way.
i feel so tired, so lost, so confused, and such a real failure.
i cant even sort myself out properly, cant control my emotions carefully, and i want to do bigger things.
like. idk. things that we have to do properly. on the outside. housework, art, studies, etc.
feel like my head's gonna explode soon from all these.
so i really want a concussion.
so i can not think about my new life, my sec 2 academic life, my health, people/__SHIP problems, and everything else.
why must things be so complicated and with no solutions?
and the worst thing is that some people have to be just so torturous with their attitude.
做人，请不要那么残忍。
不要这样对待某些人。
太残忍时，那些人可能会因那残忍和不屑的态度而被折磨。
这样，能够渐渐地杀了人。
外表上一切很好，一切正常，
里面可能是一个破碎的心灵，因被周围人用尖锐的刀捅了不少次而快死了。
这种病，是不能用药物或治疗医治好的，
这种死，若不好好照顾， 停止被捅刀，死了就会好难看，而且永远永远，
那颗心灵再也不能回来了。
所以，恳求，可以不要那么残忍吗。
God, please give me the strength i need to carry on,
let me cling on to you and stop wavering,
make me realise that the only one i need is you, God,
cause you are my greatest support, source of strength and with you, i can do all things, and wun have to be afraid of anything.
and when i put you in the centre, everything will fall into place.
let me learn to accept the things i cannot change.
really, please help me.
Saviour, you can move the mountains.
My God, you are mighty to save.
