Friday, November 26, 2010 | 11/26/2010 11:16:00 PM | 0 comments
AHHHHH. look.okay. its 10.35pm.
i'm going to m'sia tmr for the short mission trip thing.
and have to wake up at 6am tmr.
but its about normal time so i shall blog now.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH -scream like xiao-
I AM GOING CRAZY.
REALLY REALLY REALLY GOING CRAZY!!
SO.
i just saw the facebook thing.
its like Youth Camp is fr 27-30 Dec.
i wanna go. but no one is going. who is nice. or doesnt mind including me in their AWESOME CLIQUE or gangs or whatsoever groups they have in CHURCH.
and someone's going. but she's also going D<
YUNMAN AH, CAN YOU KNOCK ME OUT RIGHT NOW UGH.
so freaking stupid.
Band Camp is from 29-31? i think. i dunno. ANYWAY one of the days will be 29th cause the seniors will be coming back!
SEE. it really overlaps so freaking lousily.
if it was like both, i could just say i can go for both so i dun have to worry.
now you ask me go for which,
i want to go for youth camp.
definitely.
but i would have more friends with me in band camp. as in not friends. acquaintances? and people who will actually notice my existence and care about me and all that.
in church camp, i can just freaking hide in the 4th floor dorm place all alone for the 4 days and prob no one will even notice or care.
or i could go hypo or like die or have some kind of accident or something and no one would care or even know.
and the sec4 farewell is during band camp!
kill me can.
ahhhh.
wlao wlao wlao.
i bet if i go for youth camp i will be like treated as air.
OR EVEN WORSE. get treated like last year.
EXCEPT, this year no one stand up for me when i get screamed/ordered at overboard-ly.
or comfort me
wds man.
AIYA FORGET IT I"M JUST NOT GONNA GO.
but i wanna go ):
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.
nehmind shall not think bout it.
my only holiday overseas in Dec is a 2D1N trip to MALAYSIA [=.=] and stay in an ATAP house. so win right.
i shan't complain cause it might turn out quite fun.
but i shall not hope cause the higher one hopes the more disappointed one will be.
but anyways, its like. i wanna go somewhere nice to play/see/do something/hang out with real people on Sunday when we got nothing on.instead of tv and laptop on Sunday when we got nothing on.
THE THING IS, i think we're not going anywhere on Sunday except the so short journey HOME.
so stupid.
even if its somewhere in Msia, i still want to go somewhere OUT OF SGP.
FGS i can die of depression of being at home 24/6 doing nothing can.
i want to like hang out with people. go out.
ugh. no one wants to go out with me. all cause i'm too lousy. again.
haiiiiii.
im so frustrated my mind's gonna blow.
now its holidays also no one online to talk to me. or even BOTHER to talk to me.
and then no one tag
so dam depressing.
i want to cry lorh.
so unfair. why some people just so loved and welcome and all that
they can't decide between THIS and THAT all cause they have different groups of friends there and they feel bad like leaving the other grp of friends or what.
i cant decide between THIS or THAT cause i have no friends anywhere.
yet i MUST get out of the house cus in Dec i will HATE the house TO CORE.
if its not in kbg. so i have to go for EITHER ONE!
anw. that's another story.
i really envy those that are like so people-oriented
everything they do also have people around them laughing with them and all that.
and they can like do stuff. like be involved or what.
i dun want to be like leader or anything but sometimes i really wish i could like be a part and help or something behind the scenes.
the sad thing is i'm so invincible no one even sees me, much less ask me help people do things.
at least if i'm involved, i wun feel so freaking left out.
HAIYA.
i want to cry.
but if i cry tmr i will look so ugly.
shall just keep thinking of my beloved yunman's sentence that day.
"why are you down, you should be up"
hai.
i SHOULD BE up, but i'm feeling so down.
im sure when someone go and SHE also go.
they will start f-i-ting with each other like no one else is present.
of course, they are even in the SAME COMM! and one is somemore the IC!
HOW COINCIDENTAL. NOT.
im just plain jealous aren't i.
WHO CARES.
I JUST WANNA BE JEALOUS RIGHT NOW.
Satan needs to get out of my head.
it keeps telling me " why are you so lousy and everyone else is better than you at everything"
i already know it, but th stupid Satan stirring my emotions and making me feel worse ONE DAY before i'm going to do work for God is REALLY BAD.
REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD.
and i FEEEL REALLY SO HORRID too.
its true. i know its true. i just dun like to accept facts.
if i wasn't so ugly looking on appearance and inside and lousy in character , academies and everything else,
maybe someone would also like be nicer to me like someone is nicer to HER.
i really just 看不顺眼 that HER.
or maybe a few of those HERs who are from SOME place.
or maybe its not 看不顺眼. its plain jealousy.
i dun like it that just because they are better at every single aspect, they can get so many friends, get what ever they want, get their way 24/7, act like b-tches in place like c-u-ch and everyone still thinks they are ANGELS/ SAINTS/ SERIOUSLY. QUEENS? ROYALTY? ANYTHING!
its really just jealousy.
but i find that its not really their fault anyway. its my fault. i cant blame anyone for me being lousy.
i just feel so so so so so so bad. so sad. so lousy.
and i wish i could talk to someone other than this stupid box here who can make me feel a teeny wee bit better. be it make me smile, make me laugh, give me advice, talk to me. make me feel like i'm not air, cause i really am starting to think that I myself am air.
i really feel like crying.
and i need to go down to talk to my parents who just came home and all that.
SIGH.
okay. mask comes back on.
i say goodbye.
all these will bury deep down.
SIGH. SOMEONE KILL ME. OR GIVE ME SOME CONCUSSION.
OR TEACH ME HOW.
