SIGH.
hope no one reads this.
ve been bearing so long since came back from hk.
actually way before that...
feeling so down recently, the more i smile on the outside, the more i hurt myself inside.
what can i do? if i dun smile, all will accuse me of being emo.
i know...i know i'm very stupid but i still know...
i know im very fat..
i know im not smart..
i know im very ugly..
i know im lousy in everything i do..
i know im very extra..
i know i always think too high of myself.. ppl tell me i will look nice wearing that dress.. but i know i actually look so fat in that clothes.
i know no one like me..
i know the whole world, everybody who knows me dislikes me..even by that little bit.
i know that i am very unimportant to everyone..
i know that i am only wanted when people need me to do task.
i know that ppl only want me to help them do task, but i still help them anyway, trying to act like i dunno their purpose..
i know i am always used by other people..
i know no one will care about me except God..
i know no one understands me except God..
i know that i have very few true friends..
i know that i waste a lot of money on medical things..
i know that ... all hate me..
but i cant help it.. i cant help all these.. what i can only do is admit.
im really so so so tired and exhausted spiritually, mentally and physically from everything.
people keep thinking they are the only one who feel miserable, stress, upset, many bitter things..
they are not the only one..
just now, mummy bought my medical things and came home..
then she secretly tell helen how much the things are..
and helen secretly tell me..
at night after dinner i told my mummy,
"what if you spend so much money on me now, and a few years later i die, wun all these money be wasted?"
really. what's the point of living now, when i feel so miserable..
i really really really do. and i really really cannot find reason to live on.. i'm just living on cause i dun want to let my parents waste money, because im scared that if i leave those 1 or 2 true friends, they will feel sad..my parents will feel sad.. but then again, my siblings would feel so happy dun have me anymore, my sister wun find me extra or burden to family or find it embarrassing she have a fat and short sister or no one to quarrel with her or want to borrow her things.. my "friends" and classmates who hate me so much will be happy that dun have me to keep bossing and acting like a dunno what when actually since P3 i wasn't even a class monitor until sec1 also no position in class, while others all head prefect and all that. and shouldn't even have chance to become future leader or what crap.
so pathetic right, my life..
i'm only needed when other people have task for me.
only when people want me to help them do this, do that, or vent their anger on me, or need me for popularity or company..
why dun just stop wasting money on all the medical expenses, and let me just die..
save yr money to do the better things and save the other 4 members, and also let me leave all these pain..
really feel so pain and hurt and all those no matter how much i try to smile.. every smile i smile, my heart crack one time..
everything also cannot tell anybody, while whole time have to bear with everyone else's venting..
funfair people not happy with me on actual day, tell me to shut up,
not happy have insufficient fund, insult my mother,
if not unhappy WHOLE CLASS go against something,  give me black face and ignore me..
just ONE event, i see so many face.
i also bear already, i never take action against those people,
i learn to forgive, just ONE event.. imagine how many of such events i have gone through these 13 years of my life..
from primary school, i had my condition to me being bullied whole BiCEP life, i also bear already.
i try so hard to bear with everything..
my jap fail like what shit, the whole world tell me to quit, the stubborn me says "let me try once more"
because i know i have to bear, only with perseverance then can succeed.
but now, all i see are cracks in my entire life.
i'm falling out with all the people. im losing control of my health. im losing control of my mind. im losing control of my studies. i start to let my emotions take over everything. my work now cant hand in on time because upset over something and have to reflect, end up have to chiong and rush..
i see people talking to me everyday, only purpose is to use me to gain popularity with friends, when got friends to talk to then ignore me and dun reply me, when no friends to talk to, can reply my sms in 1 minute.. i know myself clearly, i am not important to this person. this person only use me as substitute, as a step up for popularity, for more ... so tht ppl can see how popular th person is..
is popularity really so important?
is it better to have 100000 untrue friends or 10 true friends?
now we all can say 10 true friends, in real life, we all want that 100000 untrue friends..
but not necessarily through.
i've seen life and death. i've been through lots of betrayals and all that.
当一个人的内心被看透了， 你的外表多好看，多美丽，多英俊，你的外品格多善良，对那个看透你的人来说，你所做的一切都是假的，虚伪的，当你被看透后，看透的人只会看见你有假又丑的一面，再也看不到你虚假的外貌了.
for someone like me who see through people so easily, it really make me feel uncomfortable, upset, unhappy. i dun like to see ugly side of people. i feel like i'm in such a fake world. i rather be retarded and dunno anything about my surroundings then have to know about all these things.
i don't mind having the other 1000000 friends, as long as i have those 10 true friends among them.
if one day i had to choose between 100000 friends or the 10 friends among those 100000 friends, i will choose my 10 friends. and i can very sure say that i dun give a damn about those 1000000 untrue friends.
very soon, i'm quite sure, when i leave this place, all i want for my entire life would be for somebody to go up the stage, right in front of my dead body, tell the empty rows of seats which have no one because no one would bother to come, or tell those 1 or 2 friends who bother to come, just one good quality about me, just one quality that person see in my entire life, which i can never find out about myself, because now my life is so messed up, i cannot even see a positive and nice side of myself..
all i see are cracks,more cracks, and a soon collapsing bridge.
my life's so screwed up.
how i wish, people would realise, all humans have feelings. no matter how much everyone hate me, i hope people will understand that even for someone so unimportant like me, i also have feelings, i also feel sad, feel hurt, feel stressed, feel normal feelings that everyone feel.. im not an inhuman w/o feelings.. im not..i can act outside i am a happy person, always trying to make everyone smile, in cca, trying to make the seniors dun feel stress and feel happy and good with their stupid junior acting stupid, in my family trying to make things seem better, not so serious and solemn, make family happy..although i can  do all these things, i still have feelings. doesnt mean smile 20/7 means there's no 4/7 where can be sad.. doesnt mean 24/6 happy means 1/7 wun be unhappy...
i just want a simple life, no need to worry about anything, no need to worry next year what's going to happen to my life, no need to worry about eat what, wear what, no need to worry if friends and family are okay, where my family and my true friends can live life safe and happy, if that can happen, i wun mind giving back my own unworthy and unimportant life.. as long as the people i love can be happy and no more pain..really...


 i'm really sorry to ... we all have been going through so much, and this is only the beginning.. the real wave hasnt arrived yet.. please, let us stay bonded, no more quarrel, no more screaming and shouting, no more cold war, okay?
Older Post | Newer Post

MiL EniledA.
an average 14-year old;
Wishes come true on 30 Jan;
Taonannite 2006-2009, BiCEPer 2007-2009, NYgirl 2010-2011;
adeline30197@hotmail.com.

Wants.
God. True Friends. Family. Love. Care. Health. Happiness. Simplicity. Peace. Everything to be okay.

Her Thoughts | Her Words | Friends | Friends | Friends

SIGH.
hope no one reads this.
ve been bearing so long since came back from hk.
actually way before that...
feeling so down recently, the more i smile on the outside, the more i hurt myself inside.
what can i do? if i dun smile, all will accuse me of being emo.
i know...i know i'm very stupid but i still know...
i know im very fat..
i know im not smart..
i know im very ugly..
i know im lousy in everything i do..
i know im very extra..
i know i always think too high of myself.. ppl tell me i will look nice wearing that dress.. but i know i actually look so fat in that clothes.
i know no one like me..
i know the whole world, everybody who knows me dislikes me..even by that little bit.
i know that i am very unimportant to everyone..
i know that i am only wanted when people need me to do task.
i know that ppl only want me to help them do task, but i still help them anyway, trying to act like i dunno their purpose..
i know i am always used by other people..
i know no one will care about me except God..
i know no one understands me except God..
i know that i have very few true friends..
i know that i waste a lot of money on medical things..
i know that ... all hate me..
but i cant help it.. i cant help all these.. what i can only do is admit.
im really so so so tired and exhausted spiritually, mentally and physically from everything.
people keep thinking they are the only one who feel miserable, stress, upset, many bitter things..
they are not the only one..
just now, mummy bought my medical things and came home..
then she secretly tell helen how much the things are..
and helen secretly tell me..
at night after dinner i told my mummy,
"what if you spend so much money on me now, and a few years later i die, wun all these money be wasted?"
really. what's the point of living now, when i feel so miserable..
i really really really do. and i really really cannot find reason to live on.. i'm just living on cause i dun want to let my parents waste money, because im scared that if i leave those 1 or 2 true friends, they will feel sad..my parents will feel sad.. but then again, my siblings would feel so happy dun have me anymore, my sister wun find me extra or burden to family or find it embarrassing she have a fat and short sister or no one to quarrel with her or want to borrow her things.. my "friends" and classmates who hate me so much will be happy that dun have me to keep bossing and acting like a dunno what when actually since P3 i wasn't even a class monitor until sec1 also no position in class, while others all head prefect and all that. and shouldn't even have chance to become future leader or what crap.
so pathetic right, my life..
i'm only needed when other people have task for me.
only when people want me to help them do this, do that, or vent their anger on me, or need me for popularity or company..
why dun just stop wasting money on all the medical expenses, and let me just die..
save yr money to do the better things and save the other 4 members, and also let me leave all these pain..
really feel so pain and hurt and all those no matter how much i try to smile.. every smile i smile, my heart crack one time..
everything also cannot tell anybody, while whole time have to bear with everyone else's venting..
funfair people not happy with me on actual day, tell me to shut up,
not happy have insufficient fund, insult my mother,
if not unhappy WHOLE CLASS go against something,  give me black face and ignore me..
just ONE event, i see so many face.
i also bear already, i never take action against those people,
i learn to forgive, just ONE event.. imagine how many of such events i have gone through these 13 years of my life..
from primary school, i had my condition to me being bullied whole BiCEP life, i also bear already.
i try so hard to bear with everything..
my jap fail like what shit, the whole world tell me to quit, the stubborn me says "let me try once more"
because i know i have to bear, only with perseverance then can succeed.
but now, all i see are cracks in my entire life.
i'm falling out with all the people. im losing control of my health. im losing control of my mind. im losing control of my studies. i start to let my emotions take over everything. my work now cant hand in on time because upset over something and have to reflect, end up have to chiong and rush..
i see people talking to me everyday, only purpose is to use me to gain popularity with friends, when got friends to talk to then ignore me and dun reply me, when no friends to talk to, can reply my sms in 1 minute.. i know myself clearly, i am not important to this person. this person only use me as substitute, as a step up for popularity, for more ... so tht ppl can see how popular th person is..
is popularity really so important?
is it better to have 100000 untrue friends or 10 true friends?
now we all can say 10 true friends, in real life, we all want that 100000 untrue friends..
but not necessarily through.
i've seen life and death. i've been through lots of betrayals and all that.
当一个人的内心被看透了， 你的外表多好看，多美丽，多英俊，你的外品格多善良，对那个看透你的人来说，你所做的一切都是假的，虚伪的，当你被看透后，看透的人只会看见你有假又丑的一面，再也看不到你虚假的外貌了.
for someone like me who see through people so easily, it really make me feel uncomfortable, upset, unhappy. i dun like to see ugly side of people. i feel like i'm in such a fake world. i rather be retarded and dunno anything about my surroundings then have to know about all these things.
i don't mind having the other 1000000 friends, as long as i have those 10 true friends among them.
if one day i had to choose between 100000 friends or the 10 friends among those 100000 friends, i will choose my 10 friends. and i can very sure say that i dun give a damn about those 1000000 untrue friends.
very soon, i'm quite sure, when i leave this place, all i want for my entire life would be for somebody to go up the stage, right in front of my dead body, tell the empty rows of seats which have no one because no one would bother to come, or tell those 1 or 2 friends who bother to come, just one good quality about me, just one quality that person see in my entire life, which i can never find out about myself, because now my life is so messed up, i cannot even see a positive and nice side of myself..
all i see are cracks,more cracks, and a soon collapsing bridge.
my life's so screwed up.
how i wish, people would realise, all humans have feelings. no matter how much everyone hate me, i hope people will understand that even for someone so unimportant like me, i also have feelings, i also feel sad, feel hurt, feel stressed, feel normal feelings that everyone feel.. im not an inhuman w/o feelings.. im not..i can act outside i am a happy person, always trying to make everyone smile, in cca, trying to make the seniors dun feel stress and feel happy and good with their stupid junior acting stupid, in my family trying to make things seem better, not so serious and solemn, make family happy..although i can  do all these things, i still have feelings. doesnt mean smile 20/7 means there's no 4/7 where can be sad.. doesnt mean 24/6 happy means 1/7 wun be unhappy...
i just want a simple life, no need to worry about anything, no need to worry next year what's going to happen to my life, no need to worry about eat what, wear what, no need to worry if friends and family are okay, where my family and my true friends can live life safe and happy, if that can happen, i wun mind giving back my own unworthy and unimportant life.. as long as the people i love can be happy and no more pain..really...


 i'm really sorry to ... we all have been going through so much, and this is only the beginning.. the real wave hasnt arrived yet.. please, let us stay bonded, no more quarrel, no more screaming and shouting, no more cold war, okay?
Older Post | Newer Post