Thursday, July 29, 2010 | 7/29/2010 12:00:00 AM | 0 comments
WARNING: ITS GONNA BE A VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY LONG POST, esp th bottom is not-very-pleasant. please refrain from reading if you want to go to sleep smiling.
Monday, 26 July 2010
-----------------------------
no band run @ 7.30am :D but sad cause it was one of our last times hanging out w sec4 seniors .__.
fangyi smsed " I WANT TO SEE YOU! D:" hehe, very happyyyy for the rest of the day cause of her sweet msg <3 Unlike Ashley senior, always see me then run, at least Shuyuin 老人家 and fangyi and the rest of my nice seniors never (= Ashley senior always make me feel so hurt one .__.
anywayz.
went to class and CHIONGed math!
Vanessa and Natalie helped me AAA LOTTTT, <3 them ttm :D
i put down my pen and then shouted hurray and then next minute the bell rang, see how heng i am (Y)
for PE we ran 3.2km = 11 rounds around field to prepare for cross-country next friday.
quite happy that i came in not last few.. at least somewhere in the middle, heh xD
then went 2nd level to take height and weight.
i was so dizzy i felt like puking >.<
KNOW WHAT UNAWESOME THING.
1. i GAINED 0.4kg from January. D:
2. i SHRUNK by 2cm since January. DDDD:
HELLO WORLD, I KNOW THAT PEOPLE SHRINK WHEN THEY GROW OLDER, BUT I HAVENT EVEN FINISHED PUBERTY AND U'RE LETTING ME SHRINK ALREADY???! D: hmph, i was so so sad . :'C
next time i will be one of those very few ugly and fat AND short "vases" left on the shelf and no one want, haha XD nevermind i can accompany my daddy and mummy <3 .
DO U KNOW THAT THERE ARE MORE GUYS THAN GIRLS IN THIS WORLD? i never knew that. heard about it from who-knows-where recently.
okay forget it, that was kinda random.
SO. after PE we had Home Econs and we went to do research for sandwiches and recipes and all that! :D and i sort of made up w you-know-who because we had to do research tgt as a grp and we had to talk so we started talking and she was somemore the one who talked first, made me feel happy. (=
then had hotseating for LA..
and what else interesting things..uhm.. OH YEAH DURING Class Contact yesterday, Band-ers and choir-sters and jiemin the class monitress taught everyone the I Came to Party dance xD
i was like sort of leading the whole thing although i dun quite enjoy leading, cause th rest of them didnt know the dance steps very well, whereas although i know the steps, when we performed for Bukit Timah 55th Birthday in June, i was dancing the second part/opposite/mirror image of Ashley batchmate, so my actions were like diff from them.. like right and left and i go from left to right instead. SO FAIL. -.-
yup yup and during recess me and fangyi met at band room to do mass cleaning, and then i was helping her hold dustpan while she sweeped the floor and then she went to lie on the floor while everyone else was doing other things and i told the others " she is testing the floor whether clean or not ;D " haha. xD after that went for lunch tgt ^.^
then xianed through 3rd lang.
i actually fell asleep TWICE when i was seating in FIRST ROW RIGHT in front of sensei.
have to applaud myself for being able to fall asleep and nt getting caught.. but then couldnt pay any attention... think i really must have exhausted myself terribly recently .___.
after that daddy and mummy picked me up and we went home, I FELL ASLEEP IN THE CAR. AGAIN. =.= dk whats wrong with me, i didnt use to need so much sleeep.. zzzzzzz. stupid zzz bug. :@
yup so monday ended on an okay note~
" You must be more optimistic OKAY, dun be so pessimistic" " i thought many seniors said i was high and enthu, why you think that im pessimistic?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, 27 July 2010.
no band (Y),
anw, geog; ms tan was okay initially but we pissed her off cus some ppl dunno how to ans qtns or wad, and her PMS 发作 AGAIN. always first lesson will see those symptoms =.=
math ; went thru time trial and xianed thru.. didnt get very well. CHARMAINE KHO GOT 29/34 and she was complaining about the qtn she got wrong that it shd have been right -.- i felt like telling her to shud up but that seemed kinda mean so yeah, anyway i got passed that. (=
lang arts; HOT SEATING AGAIN, very funny and epic, esp when Elisabeth and Charmaine acted as Beatrice and the psychopath therapist person. they actually digressed to stuff like "ms world" and "ms universe" , (Y).
clc : did 试卷，really xianed thru, and i fell asleep ._____. conclusion of the day: mayb im dying soon thats why i need so much sleep. anyways i didnt manage to finish the last passage/qtns and the 片段缩写 or dk wad kind of sugar. so today , NOW, i have to rush those stupid stuff. zzz...
SCIENCE!! :D we had the crazy mini-class-quiz thing, IT WAS SO EPICCC.
our group was called "Bacteria <3 Us" , th one on the left was called " Bacteria Busters" and zi jun , shermaine, yiling, all the chim girls and crazy girls that group on our right was called " AIDS"
and u know what zi jun and yiling said about AIDS?
they said " AIDS is an EXPRESSION OF LOVE" somemore say until like so chim-like, send the whole class into fits of laughter, and i, recalling what SOMEONE [ i think u will know if u read this] was saying about ANOTHER ACTIVITY which was also an ahem ahem.. EXPRESSION OF LOVE.. couldn't stop laughing.. ended up w tummyache >.<
AND AIDS WON, SO THEY DOMINATE. gaaaahhhh, imagine if aids really did dominate the world DDD:
damn funny anyways.
assembly had performance again and this graduated NYGH senior who came to talk to us.. (=
after school went to music studio to practice the song for teachers' day, turned out quite okay for musicians, but singers need loads more changes!
took ONE AND A HALF hour to go home, on my way home i was :
1. being pissed that i forgot to charge my iPod and thus couldnt listen to music
2. being xian and sleepy
3. being angry w the driver for driving like tortoise
4. smsing xuezhang and a few random others like uh. wait i forgot who. but yeah i rmb i was being spammed. SEE i have short term memory. OH RIGHT i was smsing xiuqing lao shi and etc. i remembered one more, better than nth (Y)
5. deleting SOME messages that SOME people choose to send that 连名带姓 mention other people's names.
then when reach paya lebar mrt or eunos mrt i forgot, someone smsed me and said was in the same train as me.. then reach kbg i saw the person, after like what.7 months. okay. enough. JUST hOPE NEXT TIME DONT MEET SO MANY 熟人! other than like yunman or dk who.. +++ wasn't feeling very well alr, zzzzz.
went home and then did work and crapped and slept and alibaba-ed. fell asleep at 9pm cause very very very tired..
yup, so yesterday was mixed of everythin.. but my dark mood came around afternoon..
" I noticed that you seem quite sad recently.. are you okay? Is everything okay?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, 28 July 2010.
TODAY.
my mood was seriously quite horrid. .__.
IM NOT HAVING PMS D: to those WU LIAO REN SHI who keep telling me dun pms and must smile or fart or dunno wad -.- yeah and u guys are srsly so random and wuliao ... xD
just bad bad bad mood. zzzzz.
started with chinese, do another SHI JUAN, when it came to PIAN DUAN SUO XIE i sayonara-ed cause tchr wanted to collect papers and i was still in th process of SUO-XIEing. .__. ended up leaving my last paragraph out and already exceed word limit )=
MY BEST SUBJECT, CHINESE, BADED GOODBYE TO ME... :/
LA did lit. response . xianed. recess went to music studio to prac again, afterwards went for recess w the HMP crazy girls, zi jun, joan, shermaine etc haha, they're all crazy but awesome friends (=
during science went for lab and studied Rheo leaf, it was PURPLE <3
after a few times looking in and out and in and out of microscope, my world started to go merry-go-round.. .__. but then felt better a while later..
math went through class disc, i had so many wrongs D<
and then i got my FIRST math quiz full marks since the beginning of school year, so happy~ :D
during FPS we were discussing the prob and marks and all that, then keep sending huiling to be spy, ahaha XD end up some groups never do as well as us, some other groups did better than us. we're AVERAGE.. xD and huiling didnt spy anything from shermaine's group, somemore scare shermaine, so fail, we were all laughing.. (x
took 45 minutes today to go to paya lebar only !! i love the so-awesome-driver-who-i-dun-even-know :D hehe some people tell me dun so easily send electricity and say i love what stranger , XD i dun even have electricity, how to send. (X and its true that the bus driver is so awesome kayyy. he can go and be F1 driver ^.^
went to eunos and then waited for daddy and mummy to come to fetch me..
waited for angeline lim for 10-15 minutes until i got so pissed cause AGAIN i took 1 and half hrs to go home DDD< but today dun be angry with her, she just 失恋，the school she love dun love her..
yeah and then i came home and slept cause again i felt tired. SERIOUSLY I DUNNO WADS WRONG WITH ME -抓狂ing-
NEVERMINDzzzz- steam go out from head-
woke up and mummy scolded me for sleeping. she was like.
" you come home at 3 also start work at 8+, u come home at 7+ also start at 8+ , ... .. .. ... ."
i didnt even bother telling her why i went to sleep. too pissed .__.
after dinner came up to do work, in the end got stuck w math and ended up having to go down again, so pissed and mummy and i couldnt find solution to MATH REMEDIAL questions, math remedial give until like math olympiad =.=
zzzzzzzzz.
finally solved,came up and ta-da. know how pissed i am now right, only did math since i came home..
need to complete : chinese practice paper, print scarlet ibis stuff, DONE.
then i can go and sleep.
today many poor-things managed to piss me off, now that's gonna leave a secret mark deep inside although i wun say out. so sorry cause of MY mood, you pissed me off, and then now im like pissed with you .. a few people.. its not really yr faults anyways..
today's mood: SAI. DARK. SAD. PISSING.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
S ORRY FOR WRITING SO MUCH, if any of you actually bother and have patience to go and continue reading. i am actually venting emotions out by writing about my day, cause its better writing boring stuff than writing all my emo stuff out right from the start and making everyone sad with me.
Realise something? i have stopped practicing piano, cause of my crazy obsession with sleep lately, also because i've been procrastinating.
i havent procrastinated in a long time. somehow after June holidays, maybe cause of the stress or the fear of stress or the homework or whatever sugar i dunno, it triggered me to start procrastinating again. last time in P5 or P6 i rmb daddy bought " Why Procrastinate?" for me. i think i should start reading again.. that time i wasnt procrastinating, now i am. i realised im constantly trying to push everything away and even people who care for me, indirectly. those who i know don't care for me, i will tell them all the crap, laugh with them, talk a lot, i know they are just FRIENDS, nothing more, only want my company.. those who care for me, real friends.. i end up hurting them more now, i cant bring myself to face them.. i dun want to hurt them anymore.. i dun feel like talking or seeing them..
i drag things until last minute and then go crazy that i have insufficient time to complete the tasks.
i have so many things due next week but not tmr, and cause of that im just DRAGGING, get it?
th feeling's so frustrating, and makes me more upset and confused about my path.
so many so many things are happening; daddy's, mummy is turning Beethoven and she's really sad, my BTs, my relationships with friends and families, piano exam, projects, our moving, everything, and i havent talked to anyone about all these. just these small small problems build up to making me upset, feeling dark, confused and all that, and somehow people around me piss me off so much recently. constant headaches, crave of sleeping and then when it comes to bedtime insomnia, etc. i dun like all these. they make me upset. and then my mood is ruined and i have no mood to study anymore )=
my block tests are next week; my math is still so phail, my chinese needs to be faster, my history is unprepared, my geog needs the work of my memory which is failing me, my LA doesnt seem to have much hope either. jap? wait for the sky to fall then i will get above 40/60.
someone help me to get back on track, to chiong for the last few days, and then i can go and relax?
this is so damn pathetic, im like listing out my own problems for myself and then comforting myself.
after block tests i can rest well, i can go overseas for holiday, blablabla
i still have teachers day audition tmr , and im not really prepared.. magic show's tricks? so fail if u see facebook. cross country run? i think i will end up being the last person to finish the race. is there a price for getting the last? .__.
feel so scared and uncertain of what's happening to me. why do i need so much sleep suddenly, then at night cannot sleep? how come always getting headaches now and then? i dun like crying myself to sleep, i dun like going to sleep frowning and feeling sad, we should all be smiling and anticipating a nice dream when we go to sleep...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. im talkin to myself again.
nevermind..
and i thought i was hiding everything so well, no loopholes, just a happy and contented me who can be fun and serious, why are there people noticing things now at this point where i dun wanna be noticed anymore? i dun want anyone to open me up, i want to stay closed, in my own world of problems, i dun want anyone to know anything, i cant trust anybody... i just hope people can cheer me up and not make me sad or hurt instead, i think i'm really going crazy , didn't use to be like this.. after everything that happened this year, i feel so drained. physically, mentally, most importantly , spiritually.. need God so much at this time now, where everything seems so hopeless, and totally no more chance of turning better, but first the case, then the moving, then now the rejection, and then the beethoven. i just want someone to tell me " its alright, everything's okay.. everything will be okay.." sadly, i obviously dun even have that much importance in anyone to let them even reassure me with that one sentence, or cheer me up, i obviously aren't worth even that small effort.
im just a worthless, lousy, low-IQed, low-EQed, fat, ugly, short girl who no one care about except God. appreciated? i dunno.. to me, since young i have always been giving and not expecting return.. lately people tell me " dun be so stupid already! why you keep giving giving giving and ___ [anyone] dun even appreciate, then why u still want to give so much! can you think of yourself more, or go and bother about those who actually care for you instead?"
i dunno, i really don't.. to me, when i love someone, i just do whatever i can for the person. for my friends, my family, its all like that, no matter how badly the person treat me... i never thought about how i was giving and not receiving.. i wasn't taught to be like that.. i think of myself so much now already, SIGH.
can i just have a CLEAR, SIMPLE instruction or advice on what to do now? stop telling me how stupid i am, or trying to change what i have been learning? i feel so confused now. :/
so many things in my head, i feel like if they would just explode any minute, any pain would be worth it.. as long as i have no more problems.. really envy those who lost their memory, or those innocent kids, no complications, no hurt, no sadness, everything is beautiful and good.. i used to believe that, i used to believe there was no bad guy, everyone is good inside.. but now, i really dunno..
God, please send an angel here for me... to care for me and understand me, not make me sad, cheer me up.. i will always remember the lyrics for the song 祷告；
有些事我只想要对你说，因你比任何人更爱我，
痛苦从眼中留下，我知道你为我擦，
在早晨我要对你说，主耶稣今天我为你活，
所需要的力量你天天赐给我，你恩典够我用... ...
yes, His blessings is enough for me to use.. i must cheer up, even when no one cares for me.. cause God does... and i must care for myself too.. He will help me out of all these right, someone tell me, He will, right? ...
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Thursday, July 29, 2010 | 7/29/2010 12:00:00 AM | 0 comments
WARNING: ITS GONNA BE A VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY LONG POST, esp th bottom is not-very-pleasant. please refrain from reading if you want to go to sleep smiling.
Monday, 26 July 2010
-----------------------------
no band run @ 7.30am :D but sad cause it was one of our last times hanging out w sec4 seniors .__.
fangyi smsed " I WANT TO SEE YOU! D:" hehe, very happyyyy for the rest of the day cause of her sweet msg <3 Unlike Ashley senior, always see me then run, at least Shuyuin 老人家 and fangyi and the rest of my nice seniors never (= Ashley senior always make me feel so hurt one .__.
anywayz.
went to class and CHIONGed math!
Vanessa and Natalie helped me AAA LOTTTT, <3 them ttm :D
i put down my pen and then shouted hurray and then next minute the bell rang, see how heng i am (Y)
for PE we ran 3.2km = 11 rounds around field to prepare for cross-country next friday.
quite happy that i came in not last few.. at least somewhere in the middle, heh xD
then went 2nd level to take height and weight.
i was so dizzy i felt like puking >.<
KNOW WHAT UNAWESOME THING.
1. i GAINED 0.4kg from January. D:
2. i SHRUNK by 2cm since January. DDDD:
HELLO WORLD, I KNOW THAT PEOPLE SHRINK WHEN THEY GROW OLDER, BUT I HAVENT EVEN FINISHED PUBERTY AND U'RE LETTING ME SHRINK ALREADY???! D: hmph, i was so so sad . :'C
next time i will be one of those very few ugly and fat AND short "vases" left on the shelf and no one want, haha XD nevermind i can accompany my daddy and mummy <3 .
DO U KNOW THAT THERE ARE MORE GUYS THAN GIRLS IN THIS WORLD? i never knew that. heard about it from who-knows-where recently.
okay forget it, that was kinda random.
SO. after PE we had Home Econs and we went to do research for sandwiches and recipes and all that! :D and i sort of made up w you-know-who because we had to do research tgt as a grp and we had to talk so we started talking and she was somemore the one who talked first, made me feel happy. (=
then had hotseating for LA..
and what else interesting things..uhm.. OH YEAH DURING Class Contact yesterday, Band-ers and choir-sters and jiemin the class monitress taught everyone the I Came to Party dance xD
i was like sort of leading the whole thing although i dun quite enjoy leading, cause th rest of them didnt know the dance steps very well, whereas although i know the steps, when we performed for Bukit Timah 55th Birthday in June, i was dancing the second part/opposite/mirror image of Ashley batchmate, so my actions were like diff from them.. like right and left and i go from left to right instead. SO FAIL. -.-
yup yup and during recess me and fangyi met at band room to do mass cleaning, and then i was helping her hold dustpan while she sweeped the floor and then she went to lie on the floor while everyone else was doing other things and i told the others " she is testing the floor whether clean or not ;D " haha. xD after that went for lunch tgt ^.^
then xianed through 3rd lang.
i actually fell asleep TWICE when i was seating in FIRST ROW RIGHT in front of sensei.
have to applaud myself for being able to fall asleep and nt getting caught.. but then couldnt pay any attention... think i really must have exhausted myself terribly recently .___.
after that daddy and mummy picked me up and we went home, I FELL ASLEEP IN THE CAR. AGAIN. =.= dk whats wrong with me, i didnt use to need so much sleeep.. zzzzzzz. stupid zzz bug. :@
yup so monday ended on an okay note~
" You must be more optimistic OKAY, dun be so pessimistic" " i thought many seniors said i was high and enthu, why you think that im pessimistic?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, 27 July 2010.
no band (Y),
anw, geog; ms tan was okay initially but we pissed her off cus some ppl dunno how to ans qtns or wad, and her PMS 发作 AGAIN. always first lesson will see those symptoms =.=
math ; went thru time trial and xianed thru.. didnt get very well. CHARMAINE KHO GOT 29/34 and she was complaining about the qtn she got wrong that it shd have been right -.- i felt like telling her to shud up but that seemed kinda mean so yeah, anyway i got passed that. (=
lang arts; HOT SEATING AGAIN, very funny and epic, esp when Elisabeth and Charmaine acted as Beatrice and the psychopath therapist person. they actually digressed to stuff like "ms world" and "ms universe" , (Y).
clc : did 试卷，really xianed thru, and i fell asleep ._____. conclusion of the day: mayb im dying soon thats why i need so much sleep. anyways i didnt manage to finish the last passage/qtns and the 片段缩写 or dk wad kind of sugar. so today , NOW, i have to rush those stupid stuff. zzz...
SCIENCE!! :D we had the crazy mini-class-quiz thing, IT WAS SO EPICCC.
our group was called "Bacteria <3 Us" , th one on the left was called " Bacteria Busters" and zi jun , shermaine, yiling, all the chim girls and crazy girls that group on our right was called " AIDS"
and u know what zi jun and yiling said about AIDS?
they said " AIDS is an EXPRESSION OF LOVE" somemore say until like so chim-like, send the whole class into fits of laughter, and i, recalling what SOMEONE [ i think u will know if u read this] was saying about ANOTHER ACTIVITY which was also an ahem ahem.. EXPRESSION OF LOVE.. couldn't stop laughing.. ended up w tummyache >.<
AND AIDS WON, SO THEY DOMINATE. gaaaahhhh, imagine if aids really did dominate the world DDD:
damn funny anyways.
assembly had performance again and this graduated NYGH senior who came to talk to us.. (=
after school went to music studio to practice the song for teachers' day, turned out quite okay for musicians, but singers need loads more changes!
took ONE AND A HALF hour to go home, on my way home i was :
1. being pissed that i forgot to charge my iPod and thus couldnt listen to music
2. being xian and sleepy
3. being angry w the driver for driving like tortoise
4. smsing xuezhang and a few random others like uh. wait i forgot who. but yeah i rmb i was being spammed. SEE i have short term memory. OH RIGHT i was smsing xiuqing lao shi and etc. i remembered one more, better than nth (Y)
5. deleting SOME messages that SOME people choose to send that 连名带姓 mention other people's names.
then when reach paya lebar mrt or eunos mrt i forgot, someone smsed me and said was in the same train as me.. then reach kbg i saw the person, after like what.7 months. okay. enough. JUST hOPE NEXT TIME DONT MEET SO MANY 熟人! other than like yunman or dk who.. +++ wasn't feeling very well alr, zzzzz.
went home and then did work and crapped and slept and alibaba-ed. fell asleep at 9pm cause very very very tired..
yup, so yesterday was mixed of everythin.. but my dark mood came around afternoon..
" I noticed that you seem quite sad recently.. are you okay? Is everything okay?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, 28 July 2010.
TODAY.
my mood was seriously quite horrid. .__.
IM NOT HAVING PMS D: to those WU LIAO REN SHI who keep telling me dun pms and must smile or fart or dunno wad -.- yeah and u guys are srsly so random and wuliao ... xD
just bad bad bad mood. zzzzz.
started with chinese, do another SHI JUAN, when it came to PIAN DUAN SUO XIE i sayonara-ed cause tchr wanted to collect papers and i was still in th process of SUO-XIEing. .__. ended up leaving my last paragraph out and already exceed word limit )=
MY BEST SUBJECT, CHINESE, BADED GOODBYE TO ME... :/
LA did lit. response . xianed. recess went to music studio to prac again, afterwards went for recess w the HMP crazy girls, zi jun, joan, shermaine etc haha, they're all crazy but awesome friends (=
during science went for lab and studied Rheo leaf, it was PURPLE <3
after a few times looking in and out and in and out of microscope, my world started to go merry-go-round.. .__. but then felt better a while later..
math went through class disc, i had so many wrongs D<
and then i got my FIRST math quiz full marks since the beginning of school year, so happy~ :D
during FPS we were discussing the prob and marks and all that, then keep sending huiling to be spy, ahaha XD end up some groups never do as well as us, some other groups did better than us. we're AVERAGE.. xD and huiling didnt spy anything from shermaine's group, somemore scare shermaine, so fail, we were all laughing.. (x
took 45 minutes today to go to paya lebar only !! i love the so-awesome-driver-who-i-dun-even-know :D hehe some people tell me dun so easily send electricity and say i love what stranger , XD i dun even have electricity, how to send. (X and its true that the bus driver is so awesome kayyy. he can go and be F1 driver ^.^
went to eunos and then waited for daddy and mummy to come to fetch me..
waited for angeline lim for 10-15 minutes until i got so pissed cause AGAIN i took 1 and half hrs to go home DDD< but today dun be angry with her, she just 失恋，the school she love dun love her..
yeah and then i came home and slept cause again i felt tired. SERIOUSLY I DUNNO WADS WRONG WITH ME -抓狂ing-
NEVERMINDzzzz- steam go out from head-
woke up and mummy scolded me for sleeping. she was like.
" you come home at 3 also start work at 8+, u come home at 7+ also start at 8+ , ... .. .. ... ."
i didnt even bother telling her why i went to sleep. too pissed .__.
after dinner came up to do work, in the end got stuck w math and ended up having to go down again, so pissed and mummy and i couldnt find solution to MATH REMEDIAL questions, math remedial give until like math olympiad =.=
zzzzzzzzz.
finally solved,came up and ta-da. know how pissed i am now right, only did math since i came home..
need to complete : chinese practice paper, print scarlet ibis stuff, DONE.
then i can go and sleep.
today many poor-things managed to piss me off, now that's gonna leave a secret mark deep inside although i wun say out. so sorry cause of MY mood, you pissed me off, and then now im like pissed with you .. a few people.. its not really yr faults anyways..
today's mood: SAI. DARK. SAD. PISSING.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
S ORRY FOR WRITING SO MUCH, if any of you actually bother and have patience to go and continue reading. i am actually venting emotions out by writing about my day, cause its better writing boring stuff than writing all my emo stuff out right from the start and making everyone sad with me.
Realise something? i have stopped practicing piano, cause of my crazy obsession with sleep lately, also because i've been procrastinating.
i havent procrastinated in a long time. somehow after June holidays, maybe cause of the stress or the fear of stress or the homework or whatever sugar i dunno, it triggered me to start procrastinating again. last time in P5 or P6 i rmb daddy bought " Why Procrastinate?" for me. i think i should start reading again.. that time i wasnt procrastinating, now i am. i realised im constantly trying to push everything away and even people who care for me, indirectly. those who i know don't care for me, i will tell them all the crap, laugh with them, talk a lot, i know they are just FRIENDS, nothing more, only want my company.. those who care for me, real friends.. i end up hurting them more now, i cant bring myself to face them.. i dun want to hurt them anymore.. i dun feel like talking or seeing them..
i drag things until last minute and then go crazy that i have insufficient time to complete the tasks.
i have so many things due next week but not tmr, and cause of that im just DRAGGING, get it?
th feeling's so frustrating, and makes me more upset and confused about my path.
so many so many things are happening; daddy's, mummy is turning Beethoven and she's really sad, my BTs, my relationships with friends and families, piano exam, projects, our moving, everything, and i havent talked to anyone about all these. just these small small problems build up to making me upset, feeling dark, confused and all that, and somehow people around me piss me off so much recently. constant headaches, crave of sleeping and then when it comes to bedtime insomnia, etc. i dun like all these. they make me upset. and then my mood is ruined and i have no mood to study anymore )=
my block tests are next week; my math is still so phail, my chinese needs to be faster, my history is unprepared, my geog needs the work of my memory which is failing me, my LA doesnt seem to have much hope either. jap? wait for the sky to fall then i will get above 40/60.
someone help me to get back on track, to chiong for the last few days, and then i can go and relax?
this is so damn pathetic, im like listing out my own problems for myself and then comforting myself.
after block tests i can rest well, i can go overseas for holiday, blablabla
i still have teachers day audition tmr , and im not really prepared.. magic show's tricks? so fail if u see facebook. cross country run? i think i will end up being the last person to finish the race. is there a price for getting the last? .__.
feel so scared and uncertain of what's happening to me. why do i need so much sleep suddenly, then at night cannot sleep? how come always getting headaches now and then? i dun like crying myself to sleep, i dun like going to sleep frowning and feeling sad, we should all be smiling and anticipating a nice dream when we go to sleep...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. im talkin to myself again.
nevermind..
and i thought i was hiding everything so well, no loopholes, just a happy and contented me who can be fun and serious, why are there people noticing things now at this point where i dun wanna be noticed anymore? i dun want anyone to open me up, i want to stay closed, in my own world of problems, i dun want anyone to know anything, i cant trust anybody... i just hope people can cheer me up and not make me sad or hurt instead, i think i'm really going crazy , didn't use to be like this.. after everything that happened this year, i feel so drained. physically, mentally, most importantly , spiritually.. need God so much at this time now, where everything seems so hopeless, and totally no more chance of turning better, but first the case, then the moving, then now the rejection, and then the beethoven. i just want someone to tell me " its alright, everything's okay.. everything will be okay.." sadly, i obviously dun even have that much importance in anyone to let them even reassure me with that one sentence, or cheer me up, i obviously aren't worth even that small effort.
im just a worthless, lousy, low-IQed, low-EQed, fat, ugly, short girl who no one care about except God. appreciated? i dunno.. to me, since young i have always been giving and not expecting return.. lately people tell me " dun be so stupid already! why you keep giving giving giving and ___ [anyone] dun even appreciate, then why u still want to give so much! can you think of yourself more, or go and bother about those who actually care for you instead?"
i dunno, i really don't.. to me, when i love someone, i just do whatever i can for the person. for my friends, my family, its all like that, no matter how badly the person treat me... i never thought about how i was giving and not receiving.. i wasn't taught to be like that.. i think of myself so much now already, SIGH.
can i just have a CLEAR, SIMPLE instruction or advice on what to do now? stop telling me how stupid i am, or trying to change what i have been learning? i feel so confused now. :/
so many things in my head, i feel like if they would just explode any minute, any pain would be worth it.. as long as i have no more problems.. really envy those who lost their memory, or those innocent kids, no complications, no hurt, no sadness, everything is beautiful and good.. i used to believe that, i used to believe there was no bad guy, everyone is good inside.. but now, i really dunno..
God, please send an angel here for me... to care for me and understand me, not make me sad, cheer me up.. i will always remember the lyrics for the song 祷告；
有些事我只想要对你说，因你比任何人更爱我，
痛苦从眼中留下，我知道你为我擦，
在早晨我要对你说，主耶稣今天我为你活，
所需要的力量你天天赐给我，你恩典够我用... ...
yes, His blessings is enough for me to use.. i must cheer up, even when no one cares for me.. cause God does... and i must care for myself too.. He will help me out of all these right, someone tell me, He will, right? ...
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