5/7 Don’t give up on me
Wednesday, July 6, 2022 | 7/06/2022 08:58:00 AM |
0 commentsOtw home after a pretty long week of meeting prep + day in office—glad to be of use and productive at work, until I realized I’m really not haha
Had a pretty major meeting w counterparts today and my main job was to be the video clicker besides the work done before. Can’t believe I was Actl abit stressed over just being a freaking lame clicker and zooming into speakers’ faces, cos the cam clicker can go up down left right in Diagonals / v easy go out of frame.
During div check-in right after, boss asked me bout his follow ups for a task that I’d spent unholy hours (not a lot of time, just unholy hours) working on last week as well as summary of that task/ subject matter, which my sup had (very very rarely) cleared happily without extra comments. But I couldn’t even rmb that I’d just sent it up to boss ytd (!!!) afternoon and went silent in the meeting room. Sup had to help reply on the spot and said settled alr. I checked while the circle went round and realized it was still pending clearance so raised it again during closing, he said he’d also opened up that thread to check and saw that he hadn’t replied us so not settled. Anw conclu was he felt there was no need to follow up, for reasons which I agreed with, which meant no need for the reply I had thought hard about to craft to a very crafty receiving party haha. But (a) I’d put in effort into it, not anyhow half-heartedly do like I’m doing most of the times these day; (b) It was cleared thru sup w no amendments/ comments; (c) I had Just sent it to boss Ytd PM but couldn’t even rmb off my head that I had sent him alr, and what the subject matter was even about. Beyond the seemingly trivial points above, feel like I’ve essentially been pouring in effort into v useless and meaningless stuff at work that end up going nowhere, while every other person in div is handling at Least one meaningful thing now.
Think at some point everyone in div might have found out or heard snippets bout what happened to me in 2020, and I haven’t been able to crawl out of it/ prove myself otherwise much though I try to not care what others think and Just Do My Work. Been q sensitive bout it and feel like ppl doubt my ability or try to act like I’m an idiot or some even say in a very qianbian tone “xxx happened Do You Remember??”.which honestly makes me want to roll my eyes in front of them. Plus my div is super gossipy T.T
;
Had really thought (still think?) that I‘d recovered, and Dr See’s “you just need to be more confident in yourself” a few months back had put me on cloud 99 and I was like ok I am ok alr can move on with life and close this stupid chapter alr (sans quarterly reviews, my next target to kill). But idk why I couldn’t rmb anything just now, in a 0-impression-of-topic horrifying kind of way, and feel shag bc I used to really have really really really good memory. This sucks man. Now I can’t even remember which min my favorite person at work is posting out to in 1.5 weeks and she just told me last week and more than once?? Also, had been super dutifully eating my meds day and night, even setting phone alarms and daily reminders. So so mad, so so embarrassed, so tired and so hopeless. Really hate it that I can’t trust myself, which makes ppl lose trust in me, and that ppl don’t trust me, which also makes me lose trust in myself.
Have been in a “my heart v tired” phase for a while, at life in general beyond work, although we just came back from a nice relaxing holiday in France. Had gone off ig priv to avoid spreading the negativity, but just feel extra defeated these 2 days. Last week colleagues (, sup ,) v candidly discussed the topic of “why do we work so hard to live the next day for?” “Like yknow ppl who are maybe 80+, literally spending everyday waiting for the next day/ to die. Why do we fight to live the next day?”
Ok la idk maybe most people I know life v good no need to fight for anything but that line really hit me?
I really don’t know man and now I keep asking myself that qtn. Hate that I sound so unappreciative of life esp after close calls in recent years that should’ve made me learn to treasure life more. Not sure why everyday I’m preparing for and looking forward to live the next day. Also said in the context of pump failure/ cgm sensor failure/ broken pump clips/ boycotting pump/ freedom with manual injections / manual injections freaking failing / high sugars / feeling super sick for a few days last week.
But the new pump clip came today and I think I can move on from that sadistic mini breakdown, back to other problems in life.
Still need to figure out my purpose for living, when I’m really not enjoying this world and really not making the world an enjoyable or better place (self-centered, sadistic, boring, mean, unlikeable, idk) now.
Ok this is getting too negative. Came here after Spotify shuffled to this song I was Obsessed with in 2020, and wanted to tell myself very cheesily now: Don’t Give Up on Me. (Andy Grammar)
V close to giving up on self :( idk why ppl say God has a plan for everyone and gives everyone their own burdens and blessings etc etc but I feel like some ppl rlly have all blessings no burdens haha. I know I am very very blessed too and really have no right to complain about anything. Just heart tired. And need to not give up on myself bc it feels like everything in life is caving :”) part of me feels like running away, going ovs again to somewhere where no one knows me, to recover and start over again and become a better person and stop hurting the impt ppl in my life. But alr not that many impt ones left after being away for so many years, and the leaving itself might hurt the most impt ppl (parents) although now I think staying def. doesn’t help. Trying to be more thankful for the ppl in my life and my dog and treat em better :”)
So here’s a really corny: We can do this, let’s do this, you can do this adeline. Don’t give up on me.
26/7 Change
Monday, July 26, 2021 | 7/26/2021 05:20:00 AM |
0 commentsIt's 2.32am on a Sunday (now Mon) night and I am not asleep becausee free leave tmr again hahaha. Have been sleeping before 1am for a long time since the head episode cos brain cells needa recover/ less damage, and it's been a real feat for me bc yours truly has always been a late sleeper, at least since pri sch/ MSN days I think haha. But took a 3hr nap this afternoon alr (which actl left me feeling worse than better) and need this safe space to sort out my thoughts tonight.
If I could just say out a completely unfiltered thought right now: life Sucks. It does. I've been crying so much lately and my tear ducts are like broken faucets that just cannnottt for the life of me stop leaking. They're more broken than they've been in the past 1.5years, and there were more 'valid' reasons then-- exchange and situationships ended. No idea why I'm becoming more and more of a baby as I'm growing older sigh but as shared with P earlier today, I've been feeling so mentally unbalanced recently. Think it's the prospect of many upcoming changes that I'm afraid of but will have to learn to live with. And as you might know if you've been here for long, homie has such a strong aversion to change- helppp T.T
1. Health
Main reason for coming here at 2am is to try to accept and process the fact that I'll be switching to an insulin pump today :') Don’t quite feel sufficiently prepared for this nonsense, esp. when I'm (still) struggling to survive/live with a much worse memory (but also get that I need to eventually move on from this neuro shitshow though). So last week Dr S mentioned switching to the pump again during review and tgt with Nurse C, spent 2hrs+ (yes w just one patient) trying to convince me... and I agreed to give this a shot.
Apparently, the benefits would be very real (like inserting sites once in three days instead of multiple daily jabs, better overall control with alot of headspace freed up from managing T1D). But I've gotten so used to my daily jabs and current lifestyle after 16 years, and really like being able to just live with pens/ visibly be done w T1D after jabs. My biggest concerns include reliability and my fear of attachment (seriously) - this v ugly and bulky 118g device (yes i weighed it bc it felt soo heavy) will basically become my life system and be attached to me 24/7, tgt w a pretty lengthy (imo) plastic tubing, and I fear having to rely on a machine for the next idk-how-many years (forever? ;__;) to sustain my life. On top of these superficial concerns are the costs of the machine, monthly consumables and current insulin pens that'd be wasted/ thrown away.
Not that I need to worry about costs/money - parents have always stressed that there's more than enough for me, but if I wanted to be independent and not rely on them/ tried to imagine sustaining myself as a grown adult without parents? Sigh. Compounding these concerns is the fact that most of the team I'll be meeting tmr are not people I'm familiar with besides Dr S, and its SO hard for me to warm up to/ be comfortable w new ppl immediately, esp. since COVID times, with healthcare professionals (don't ask why). Was so tempted to text Nurse C a few times last week to cancel this whole idea or beg her to be there but I'm no longer a baby and she alr said before that she's on course tmr morn T.T
2. Work
The reason for the rush to change ^ (though Dr S has been asking bout this for almost a year) is cos work is back in full force and homie might be sent to the great C again for 6-7 weeks in end-Sep. Sup asked if I was interested in this opportunity to go, and hesitated for a few days but eventually accepted, partly cos I'm growing abit restless after 1+ year of mainly wfh, and mainly cos idk how to reject ppl (a sup, for career at that). So everyone on the health side has essentially squeezed me into appts for these remaining 2 months and I've been getting bi-weekly free off-days that I won't complain about (though optics-wise this really doesn't help someone new in the workforce who just returned after being MIA for 2 months).
Tbh, am really not quite sure why I'm working so hard now and What for. Life has literally been 9am-9/10pm every day, with ~2-3hrs for meals + bathtime (+1hr exercise if dad drags me to run), i.e. no life ahaha. Was advised recently to center life around my goals (thanks shumz), but got no idea what my life goals are currently or what I want in life now. And by extension, also not sure of my purpose for living now (feel like I've been there many times before alr but yea again; parents?). Why am I fighting so hard for this life now/ going along with this stupid pump idea just to better manage my T1D, and taking anti-seizures to manage my alr dumb brain? Legit question here that I need to figure out, though I guess I should alr be much more thankful for this life/ ashamed when I think of others who are battling worse illnesses/ situations for their lives.
Mini conclusion here that I think my soul is being sucked out by work and I gotta figure out how to really balance/ manage this. Don't get me wrong- I actually enjoy this job and things I do to a certain extent, but a job is a job and I dun want to let it take over my life, esp. if I dont see much hope for progression here even if I throw in 90% of me/ my energy (hello scholars and elite world). And as close friends might be aware, I really hate the term "busy" and to a lesser extent, "no time", cos I believe that people Make time for their priorities. (Feel free to discuss and further explore this topic w me cos I haven't found anyone who could convince me otherwise yet.) So I really hate how I've been feeling so depleted of energy recently from work to manage health (exercise more, sleep early) and tired from health issues to deal w work properly, despite just trying to stay afloat and not thinking of next steps (e.g. career progressions, further education, life partners etc). Speaking of life partners, ppl my age are starting to have kids and I'm still dancing around my fears of attachment + human interactions/ introversion and unattractiveness hahaha gonna be even more unsure of anyone who might be remotely interested in a fat girl with a plastic tube and pager machine hanging out of her body 24/7 now :'). (ok no offense to anyone in the past who might've had real interest ahaha talking bout my own issues not your tastes) But yea low-energykid97 gotta focus on one thing at a time now- other things can come in later. Plus I trust dogs would easily be more reliable and loyal than humans- fight me on that hahaha.
3. Lifebuoys
Moving back from ^ to reality- really gotta give thanks for my MVPs, the ones who've been here and the ones who are still here in spite of all my personality/ physical flaws +++. Have lost so many people to years of being abroad and broken ships + connections to broken ships. Thankful for constants, pillars of support, family, lifebuoys, you get the drill, who have kept me afloat and let me cling onto them (literally or not), and who've reached out / kept in touch even though I have nothing much/left to offer anyone rn, and am not a particularly fun person to hang out with. They know who they are, I hope. and I feel/trust/hope its not done out of sympathy. :')
Final throwback tnite to a particular ovs trip (camp) many years back (7 years? my goodness) with a particular group of friends and without fam. Developed a v random fever (weak immune system but fevers are so rare for me) and had to rest in hotel while others went on to play. Still can't figure out what this person was thinking then (prolly lazy to go out?), but suddenly recalled how said person stayed behind with me in the room the whole afternoon (? bad memory sobs) and checked on me regularly (iirc touching my head to check if i had fever still etc) while I slept in. Dk why this person suddenly came to mind now (at 4.30am?? lol creeps), cos we were never exceptionally close. Always felt like we were on diff wavelengths (said person prob thought so too lol) and I rmb squabbling/ arguing/ fighting w this person more than we ever got along, esp. towards the end of our group's regular meet-ups, when I couldn't agree with/ felt so upset by how said person had developed v unhealthy habits. Also not sure why I even cared then- maybe it was cos I just really Hated what the person was doing. But ok back to topic- am thankful that this person was just there for me that day, esp. since my fam wasn't around to baby me, and tbh I just really really hate being sick and alone la lol. Anw I realized then that said person was really kind and good inside, though we fought even more after that camp lol. Hope that he/she is happy and doing well (maybe no more unhealthy habits pls,,). and s/n cos I'm honestly curious- isit just me or does anyone else get these kind of suuuper random out of nowhere throwbacks to ??? events or ppl who you're not v close to or not even in your life anymore? minor freaked out cos me and said person are more fre?ne?mies?? but ok mb its time to sleep lol.
As how I usually try to end my postsss, find silver linings and trust in God. I'm still worried about 9am and the whole line-up of appts later but hey, its alr 4.51am (ahahaha oops) and tmr will pass by faster than I can worry (cross fingers pray and hope). I guess the years of struggling (abroad and back home) have taught me that: life with God will not be all sunshine, rainbows, and miracles with no storms, but I'm pretty sure that life without Him would be filled with greater storms and much fewer rainbows. So if there's one piece of advice that I (in my asdfghjkl-state now) could still give anyone here (myself included)-- trust and hold onto Him. Hopefully we'll all get out of this gongpit tgt soon. And I'll try to be more positive/ enjoy my free off-day later if I can :') And refill energy as fast as I can and hug/ squeeze/ treasure/ kiss/ refill my lifebuoys with all their air hahaha.
"As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more. My mouth will tell of Your righteousness, of Your salvation all day long." - Psalm 71:14-15
24/4 Love
Saturday, April 24, 2021 | 4/24/2021 11:01:00 AM |
0 commentsHappy Saturday!
Got a list of over 1000 names (not exaggerating) to research on (one. by. one) for work which was due ytd but i couldn't get started on cos of other work and sup needs it by monday. Went online at 9am today (yes, a Saturday cos i want a weekend to live life) and sent out 2 emails for other tasks. Felt so accomplished at my productivity in 40mins that i've been slacking till now i.e. haven't started on what i was supposed to do hahahaha. Feels like this has been So me since pri sch-- staying up till late cos i'm so easily distracted and can get nothing done. #storyofmylife
It's nice coming here and reminding myself of how much things have changed but also remained the same. I really hope that I'm growing and becoming a better person, holding on to the qualities and values I've treasured, while at the same time changing for the better in other ways that I haven't been great at.
Just wanted to come here to record how I've experienced so much grace, protection and love the past week (or since Nov 2020) from my family esp.
The past week was rough because I'd been having bad feelings all day long. They were different from the usual shock waves/bad feeling feelings, but were persistent throughout the whole day and made me feel really sick and nauseous. I can't really describe the feelings and can't tell if they're psychological or neurological, just that they felt very bad and I didn't feel well. Couldn't eat much from tues-thurs esp, cos everytime I tried to I felt like puking (yay to free diets ahaha). The bad feelings felt so ... bad (pardon my lack of a more sophisticated word) that I was afraid of the dark (even when the sky turned cloudy), night time and sleeping and all. I read my morning/evening devotions and prayed hard as I could/ tried to keep talking to God haha but fear still loomed like a very dark cloud over my head. And through these times, my parents have been strong pillars of support for me and I just wanted to record how much they've done for me and how much I should be thankful for and treasure them.
Dad slept with me for 2 nights, on sissy's bed which didn't have a proper blanket and he just covered himself with the woolen shawl/throw i brought back from canada. Felt bad cos that bed is directly under the aircon. Proposed to sleep with mom later on so she wouldn't have to sleep alone and we could share blankets and have basically been sleeping with her for 4 nights. And dad still refuses to use my blanket/ covers himself with that throw sigh. Felt super normal/ good yesterday with no bad feelings at all, was so happy i had double portions for lunch and didn't feel sick (: wanted to sleep alone but dad told me to sleep w mom for another night, just to make sure I had enough rest and all.
Think the key point was just to say that they've done so much for me since Nov 2020, and I really really need to treasure my family and parents more. Feel so indebted to them, but as P told me ytd night during our 2hr+ call (thank God for that call because it made my TGIF), just appreciate and enjoy the care and affection from my parents cos not everyone still enjoys it at this age (haha am i mega baby or what :') ) I'm thankful that they give me so much protection and care which I sometimes still 嫌弃, while providing me with the safe space to grow and do the things I want to do (be rebellious).
Parents just came home with Sat morning breakfast from the market and mom told me I could get dad/ sis to help with the research on 1000 names lol gonna spare them the pain since its my work sigh but yes. There is so much love around us and so so much to be grateful for. I'm going to remember that every day as I try to slowly overcome the fences that have formed around me (e.g. fear of stepping out of my room at night when all the lights are off lol). And I will try to be a better person after all this love from family and the friends who have really stuck by me through thick and thin.
(p.s. dad just walked out of his room with his laptop and told me to send him my work :''''') gonna finish up breakfast and get back to work so I can hopefully really rest tomorrow)
Anyways! neuro review was brought forward to next Fri (bc baby me teared up in front of Dr S during diab review last wed when Dr S said he couldn't really help/ not his expertise and I was feeling so sick lol). Hope it goes well and praying for peace and health during this period.
Also hoping that whoever and wherever you are, you'll remember too that love is always around, even in the tiniest things-- we just have to open our eyes to see and open our hearts to receive em. Take care and stay safe, happy and healthy!
21/1 Hope
Monday, February 15, 2021 | 2/15/2021 09:35:00 PM |
0 commentsYesterday’s review was long story short, fine. I’ll probably be able to live for another year if God doesn’t have other plans. Endo team pointed out that my LDL (bad cholesterol) levels were borderline high. Dr S and Nurse Chan said its normal to have such signs after 10-15 years w T1D, but it def did not feel very normal to me and I was freaking out a little but they said it was okay and that they’d repeat the test next visit. Dr S was contemplating starting me on cholesterol tablets but I refused— will try to eat healthier and exercise more to get rid of this shit. Not very sure what happened on the neuro end because sweaty doctor (T) asked me to go out while he talked to me parents alone for a good 1/3 of the time— I’ve never seen a patient get chased out of the doctor’s office before........it was mildly comical but annoying cos sissy and I stood outside the room leaning against the wall waiting to be called back in for at least 10mins but they never did and I finally decided to go back in myself. Neuro visit was also fine cos Dr T confirmed that the bad nausea from head-pit feelings were not seizures. But that also means I don’t have an explanation for them except that they feel very bad and sometimes paralyzing. In fact I got it twice again since coming home yesterday (hospitals are really so draining) but there’s no longer any point in writing the events down or telling anyone about it since no one can give me answers anymore. Idk when the problems will end, and it made me feel worse when Dr T said with a rather hopeless but definitive “we’ve done everything we can already”. Then he asked if I needed more leave and when I said “no I’m quite bored”, he still gave me MC till Feb and requested for another MRI/ more tests before next review. Which made me start questioning myself if I’m really fit and ready to go back to work now. But again, everything’s fine. And i thought i’d only have to see him once more to make sure I was fine post-discharge, but am starting to feel like this will go on for awhile more and idk when it will end.
18/1 Happy New Year
Tuesday, January 19, 2021 | 1/19/2021 02:46:00 AM |
0 commentsHellooo it’s been forever and if anyone’s still here- hope you’re doing well and are happy & healthy!
Main updates in the past 2 months (if anyone still checks here and dun already know...)—
1. Am alive.
Fell sick with fever for about a week and saw our GP twice before going to A&E cos the fever couldn’t come down (I think?). After isolation and covid swabs and everything else in between, I was diagnosed with viral encephalitis and hospitalized for 2 weeks, of which 95% I cannot remember (4% is from fam’s recounts and 1% from pics taken during that time). Basically, a virus attacked my brain and the docs only managed to confirm after MRI, ECG, lumbar puncture and other tests that I dun wish to know of or recall. Quite thankful that I was too sick to rmb/ realize things that were happening cos I wouldn’t have survived them mentally. But key point is homie’s alive and mostly well now, except for some STML and random stomach to brain shockwaves/ nausea to headache feelings— I wouldn’t confirm what they are until I can hear from Drs directly during review. I’ve also forgotten what my doctors/ nurses looked like except that my Dr is called sweaty doctor cos he sweated like mad while trying to find a usable vein to insert a line into cos the rest were alr used. (And thankfully because they ran out of veins to poke and my mom is some PR queen, I was able to get early discharge before the full antibiotic treatment was completed, without having to get a new line inserted via my toes or feet). Have been home since 8 Dec and will be back to work next Mon (25 Jan) if all goes well during review this Wed!
2. MIPs.
Throughout this whole crazy unexpected stupid virus episode (let me re-emphasize that it’s NOT covid), I came to learn of the people who have been here and who really care. I think I say that previous sentence too much/ very often but it’s always during my lowest points that I realize the ones who’ve stuck through and care if I’m alive. To be fair, I dun think I texted anyone about being hospitalized except nurse Chan (looking at my WA convo history) because at a&e or during isolation they treated me from hyper to hypo or hypo to hyper or sth liddat and fam was not w me so I had to beg her to save me from getting killed bahaha. She was super nice as usual though- rushed down after her clinic to see me and endo team was looped in afterwards I think then idk the rest of the story. (Also after discharge I bugged her bout hypos and she replied me at weird hours telling me to avoid hypos cos more brain damage, and when last week I SOSed her for super high sugars she reviewed and replied me at 11.53pm :”) best nurse everrrrr forever grateful and think I really love her).
The point I wanted to make was to not feel bad if you happen to be reading this/ are still here and didn’t know what happened. The few people who found out were mostly/ all contacted by mom— she either stored their numbers from before or unlocked my phone (horrors) to find their contacts. And I’m super grateful for these people who visited and have been here throughout, especially through post-discharge recovery with over-emotional/ sometimes unemotional me. They know who they are- wouldnt be alive and still be here now happily and courageously blogging so honestly without them. More importantly, my family who have literally been pillars of support 24/7. Most thankful for them.
3. Recovery.
Am feeling much much better this week :) Was initially getting vivid dreams (not really nightmares) at night about the randomest of things (like rats in my mouth and dad pulling them out one by one by tail; coffin entering cremation doors but not knowing who it is), getting really bad vibes during the day and more at night when no one’s around me (am still sleeping w night lamp on) and generally feeling really low/ brain-blocked cos of the meds I was on. Stopped taking them on my own for a few days (hahaha i be my own doktor) but felt the shockwaves / random nausea in the pit and headache feelings come back so I started taking again once at night now instead of twice a day.
The low feelings have still been here- not sure if it’s the meds or the depression from this shitshow and my life coming to a standstill, or how the weather has been crazy and the world and recent events have felt even crazier now than before (like the world is literally endingggg). But am noting down every occurrence of em shock feelings so hopefully I can get answers on Wed. Was really angry one day (still a lil frustrated) and exploded cos— I have absolutely No idea how the virus came about, what virus it is, when I will make a full recovery, whether my memory will come back, when the memory loss will end and more. But someone told me recently that sometimes things just happen for No reason and there’s no point in asking or knowing the Whys. And i thought of how some people get dealt with even worse cards (like getting cancers then relapsing over and over again) but they don’t get any explanations either. That helped wake me up and pull me out of my self-pity party a bit. But still been spending a lot of time in bed just lying down/ sleeping but not really, scrolling through phone but not replying anyone and thinking bout life but doing nothing bout it.
4. Last week of “holiday”.
I guess on a very very positive and annoying/ 欠扁 note, I’ve had the luxury of 2+ months of paid holidays [which are ending this week :”( ]. Felt v useless and abit bored when I was in the midst of it but am now super afraid to return to work and not sure if I can cope and all. (No one at work actl knows what happened except for fever and being sick for long so pls let this stay within this space). But am still hoping that everything will be cleared during review and i can return to a (hopefully) more normal life instead of wasting it away.
5. God’s sovereignty through it all.
This episode honestly weakened my faith (maybe still weakening a lil now) cos of all the Whys and ?!?! that I’ve felt, but have experienced a lot a lot of grace from fam and MIPs who’ve been suuper understanding, patient and practically angels. Feel like God is still here and still speaking during this time even when I haven’t been able to. So I’ll continue to hold on for now and see where He leads me to.
6. Dodgyyy
Am real lazy to type and update long chunks here so if you’re still here feel free to follow my dodgy at @alexthealien. A lot of daily nonsense but would welcome you there hahaha
Okay it’s 2.45am my eyes are closing although I’ve slept a lot and gone for an expensive facial with bro (worth it for siblings bonding?). Goodnight, thanks for reading and thanks for being here. I mean it. xo.
22/7 faith
Wednesday, July 22, 2020 | 7/22/2020 09:13:00 PM |
0 comments
Today I heard the best and worst piece of news after 15 years of life with T1D—
The Good: best HbA1c reading in 15 years; a solid solid improvement that shows I’m (finally) in control and in a safe(r) range.
The Bad: I might go blind soon despite my near-perfect eyesight. T1D and my rebelliousness (for at least the first 10 years) seem to have finally caught up with me. Dr S said “you’ve had T1D for 15 years, so this isn’t surprising at all” and he was so calm about it, like telling me I’m losing a strand of hair after showering. On a brighter note, he added that this diagnosis Might go away and that my vision Might not be affected after all (although I grew up hearing stories of how other t1ds had perfect eyesight and suddenly went blind when they turned 18).
Am not sure what to feel yet and couldn’t react (or cry) there and then cos my dad was w me— how do I tell my parents (the people who care most) that I don’t want to live anymore? Cos honestly, I don’t think I’m as afraid of death as of living a life without dignity and quality. Didn’t know who to tell or burden with this news either and felt so alone for a few minutes. But what am I even expecting most peers my age to say to sth like this?
First thoughts while typing this include “oh No I’m already so fat and ugly and unlikeable— what’s gonna happen when I’m blind? Who’s gonna like me, am I even going to have any friends after this? Are people going to avoid me or start laughing at me when they find out? Am I going to rot in poverty while everyone else succeeds in life?” Sometimes I am so shallow that I laugh at myself too hahaha.
Feeling so numb right now but I’m going to trust that God has His reasons for this result, that He is still sovereign over it all and that He loves me most. Maybe He really wants to teach me how to “live by faith and not by Sight” AHAHA but I wish this was a real joke and that God could just take this cup away from me if He is willing. Yet not my will but Yours be done— help me to obey and let Your will be done in my life.
7/6 it is well
Sunday, June 7, 2020 | 6/07/2020 04:05:00 PM |
0 commentsBeen holding off for as long as I could cos I wanted to save precious time for anything else but indulging in my own emotions... haha
But here I am again, bc sometimes life just feels way too overwhelming.
Some days it’s easier to ignore and pretend that you’re a decent, ok person.
Other days being such a bad, terrible, horrible person takes its toll on you.
I just wanna disappear haha.
My current dream:
When all this is over, I want to take leave (ha ha hello capitalism and slavery and selling life for wages) for a week or two. I want to travel to a resort with a nice beach, or a mountainous area by myself. For at least a week, I will just stay indoors, and spend time with me and with God. Take as much time as I want to for QT w Him, watch as many movies as I can, shower for as long as I want to, sleep as much as I feel like. If I want to, I could head to the beach for a walk and read a book or go for a hike in the mountains. Would love for that place to be B.C Canada, but given that I want to be able to stay in a lot, maybe I don’t have to go that far. It’d also be nice if I’d gotten my driving license by then so I could take myself on a long long road trip. (Hopefully skills good enough by then to not drive myself to the end of life‘s road ha). Nice country or acoustic music, beautiful views, peace and quietness.
Not sure if it sounds like those lame pri school dreams ahahaha but this is what I really want right now.
Peace— it shouldn’t matter where I am or what situation I’m in. As long as God is with me, He is my peace and comfort.
I’m thankful for the true friend, comforter, shield and strength that I’ve found in this loving Father.
It’s easy to pretend that I’m at peace (or maybe not bc I’m so bad at hiding my real feelings) and try to deceive myself, but I know that it’s still a daily struggle and battle between me in my body VS me in God.
The things of the world get to me so much, way more than I’d like to admit.
I remind myself constantly to let go of things I cannot control. But it’s really hard and I think I too easily feel anxious over things, but anxiety as I’ve known it only ruins everything.
Anyway, I hope that I can get to live this current dream soon. Then we can work towards my distant dream of life in a farm with my animals / away from everything. It’s funny how when my dad randomly pointed out the other day that the Arctic sounded like a suitable place for me to live in, I was thrown back to N saying that running to the Arctic sounded like something I would do when we watched a particular movie together (and that he would go look for me there one day— I know, jokes and lies and nothing serious). It’s amazing how memories hurl you back in time that you thought you’d let go of already.
There isn’t much more hurt though, just memories. But sometimes the memories are the ones that hurt more haha. But all’s good bc there are rlly funny memories that I find myself smiling/laughing at when they come back to me. Guess it’s worth it.
——————————————————
One of the perks of working is that I haven’t really had time to be quiet and give as much shxt to my emotions or life. It’s just go go go until EOD (which some days literally means after 11.30pm, v v sad) and when I’m done w work my brain shuts down so that all I could do is either go to sleep or consume brainless entertainment.
Before I started work, I’d meant to come here and say something I’d been meaning to for a long time but had no courage to. Since I’m finally here.. I’ll try to put it out concisely and accurately.
I realized while packing my room and reading through all the cards I’d gotten that while growing up, in the process of me thinking that no one cared about me or emphasizing on the fact that others had hurt me (over-victimizing myself, not saying that there was no damage caused), I’d also hurt a lot, a lot of people who actually cared. I don’t know where the people who once cared are now, and I don’t necessarily want them back in my life (there’s a reason why they’re not here anymore haha).
But I just wanted to say a sincere I’m Sorry to anyone who I’ve hurt in the process of prioritizing myself and deeming your care as “nothing” or not enough, or if I’d just hurt you at all. I don’t actually know what use apologizing now has other than making me feel better (has it? haha maybe not), but if you are one of the many ppl who I’ve hurt and see this, I just hope you know that I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
I hope that you are doing well— applies to everyone from my past in fact— and I wish nothing but the best for you.
If you are worried about me being still hurt or upset or anything, I think time and God has healed a lot of pain in me and will continue to heal, so don’t worry. Just hope that if you were also upset or angry with me, that maybe you would consider letting it go too, so that you can be happier. And I know I don’t deserve it, but maybe one day you would be able to forgive me too.
Go and be happy, no matter who you are or the role you played in my life. I promise I’ll be happy for you if we meet one day and you’re in the best place that life could place you in.
——————————————
Ok, heavier stuff aside, really hope anyone and everyone I know is doing well now. Take care and be happy always! That’s really the most important. I’m trying to do that instead of focusing on all of the troubles and shit in life. It’s hard, but we can find the good in everything.
On work, it’s been q daunting with an extremely sharp learning curve, and it’s pretty much really just.. work. Not digging it bc I don’t think office/ desk work is particularly me, but also more likely cos I wasn’t prepared to start working before final sem of uni was over (sigh). But given circumstances and times... The good in all of this is really that, I guess I’m thankful to have a job during this time when many businesses are struggling. And that this work is keeping me so busy I can’t waste time anymore like I used to professionally. I’m thankful that I could go slightly ahead of others, so i might be able to understand and relate (maybe support) when other friends join and have struggles (but then again I’m way too unresilient so it might be much easier for everyone else haha). I’m thankful that though this isn’t the no.1 job on my list, I guess it can fall as 2.5 haha and work is quite related to my major I guess. (Just found out we’ll be getting dip/off passports too hee but responsibilities are even more real).
I trust that God gave me this job bc it probably suits me more than the job I thought would be good for me— He knows me inside out and much better than myself or anyone else(parents). And pay, prestige, performance all that come with their own costs too, and I guess God knows how much I have and am willing to/ can afford to give up. I’ll continue to trust Him bc I know He has the best plans for me ahead and this is just one step towards it/ I’ll get where I need to be (my farm, or the Arctic) someday, hopefully.
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And it is well with me
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well
It is well with my soul
21/1 skyscraper
Wednesday, January 22, 2020 | 1/22/2020 04:19:00 PM |
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I’m not sure if anyone still reads this barren land haha. Am gonna assume it’s just me and white space, and God and my head and all my heart.
Things took a drastic turn since my dream of an exchange semester in Vancouver. Was healing well and promising the people back home/ around me that I felt that I’d changed for the better/ was gonna come back a better person. But things started to change during the semester. I tried to play God and fell hard for someone who grabbed a worthless heart with pieces being held tgt by not yet stuck superglue and smashed it into a million other pieces. It hurt and still hurts. I got rejected by the, in my own myopic view (bc God might have other plans?), best possible job I could get at this point in my life. I lost weight and felt satisfied with my looks for once in many many years because I’d been so happy overseas, only to find out in Bangkok that I still can’t fit into some XL clothes there while my best friend easily fit into petite Thai size S.
Didn’t help that I’ve been on very bad terms with my parents recently. Overheard them talking outside about how my life is so miserable bc I don’t have “bright thoughts”. I know I have so much to be grateful for and I have no right to be upset about even anything. But honestly, I’ve been trying so so hard to stay positive. To be a good Christian and not show others how much life has been hurting but try to live with joy amidst these trials. And I’m failing so badly.
I’m tired of feeling so so shitty. Of feeling like I’m never good enough. Of feeling all the pain from a situationship that wasn’t even real. Of making the people around me feel shitty because of how lousy I’ve been feeling. Everything feels like my fault. And objectively, I am that bad. Objectively, I am an extra large and I’m so tired of loved ones trying to make me feel better by telling me I’m not fat when I clearly am. I’m tired of trying to keep up with constant exercise and refraining from super unhealthy foods but still being extra large. I’m tired of seeing skinny people not have to work for the bodies they have and getting to boast that they’re “fat”. I want to take all the shoes I have and throw them at those people.
I was supposed to do job applications these few days but I’ve been procrastinating so badly ie haven’t started bc it feels so daunting and I feel like everything’s gonna fail. I don’t wanna be someone who’s afraid of failure and actl dont respect people who are so used to having the perfect life that they fear failure. But I’m not them and anyone who’s known me long enough should know that failure has been with me every step of the way in my life. I just feel like anymore failures at this point is going to make me give up on life. And I’m tired of failing. (At this point any strong Christian like my parents would come out and say that I have such little faith in God and I am a bad Christian bc I don’t trust Him enough etc.)
I just wanted to come here to scream-
Dear God, Everything Hurts. So Badly.
When is this going to end?
Before finals at UBC where shit was at its worst, yj and I agreed to give myself 1 week to cry as much as I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. I did. I melted down and sobbed in front of 2 guy acquaintances after drowning myself in beer during dinner. Cried in an airport toilet cubicle. Teared up on an airplane without care until the people beside me started to turn around bc I was sniffing so hard. Cried an hour before my first final exam started and nearly didn’t make it for the exam bc I hadn’t changed my clothes/ finished revision/ stopped crying/ gotten out of my room 20mins prior to the exam start time. And I’ve never in my life allowed myself to cry so much / so long over anything. That one week period worked, bc now even when I really feel like crying I can’t anymore. There’s no more safe space back home.
Am trying to pull myself out of this shithole I in my stupidity fell deep into but it’s been really hard and I’m starting to feel more and more like I really can’t. I’m already leaning on my family & lyj’s support but it feels like they’re getting tired of this bs too and they can’t/ dont understand, but they’re also the ones who’ve been more understanding among everyone else. I know I have to lean on God/ He’s the only one worth trusting and who’s strong enough to be my rock and pillar. But it’s so hard to grow close to Him back home with other people and my old lifestyle and habits and this church that I honestly dk what I’m doing in and have no one to really turn to for support.
I’m gonna just hold on and give my last shred of Faith to this God who I trust will deliver me. I really hope/ want this to be over soon because I’m tired of all these pain and heartache and pain and disappointments and pain. I’m sorry for being so whiny. I’m sorry for not being more resilient. I’m sorry for being so so negative. I will try again tomorrow. I hope today will be the last day I act like that- a useless, pessimistic, complete failure of a worm. Am gonna b strong. Even if it hurts like hell. I can and I will.
Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah-oh, go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper, oh-oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper.
;
Am gonna take comfort in the fact that: Fire thrives on air, air doesn’t need fire, and water can/will only put out fire.
Week 1, Vancouver
Saturday, September 7, 2019 | 9/07/2019 02:11:00 PM |
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Sep 3-
Been very very blessed with many things happening too “luckily” that reminded me of God’s presence and I guess His guidance and love. (Eg. High floor room w views, opening up a slot for me to switch profs so I could get a better-rated prof + better schedule)
Been also reflecting on the lyrics of a song that was sung in church on Sunday, bc it was so hard to sing and truly mean. There was so much resistance bc sometimes I feel like the trials in my life are so hard to get over and there are so many question marks. But I knew deep inside that the words were so true.
—————————————————————
Sep 4-
Classes started today and they were. Mind. Blowing. Things I appreciated so much:
- Being able to learn in my first language again, and just sitting there/ listening/ soaking up information, instead of rush-typing every word that profs say so that I could properly process/ translate them later on, which is what I do in C (or give up listening altogether ahaha).
- 1hr lectures (50 mins tbe, w 10 mins to get to our next class)- they’ve helped So much in terms of focus and learning compared to 3hr lectures, esp bc my attention span is q short/ am easily distracted
- Going back to familiar values and systems that I grew up with, things like capitalism, democracy, the existence of God, but also objectively considering alternative views (is globalization really good for all/ who profits?). I love how the profs here give so much room for discussion and questions. Love how one prof actually replied a student “who told you/ how did you learn that rational thinking is anti-religious/ conflicts with religion? Bc the latest conclusion I’ve arrived at is that the rational pursuit of truth complements religion.” Back in my (communist) home uni, there isn’t even room to discuss the existence of supernatural forces (eg God). (But we do learn about other/ different perspectives and issues too. So still appreciate my home uni.)
- Toilet bowls in school toilets/ everywhere, very CLEAN, and hand sanitizers at building entrances. I’ve just generally missed being in a developed country/ institution maybe hahahaha.
I’ve also met/ made not many but just enough/hopefully the right people this week too. Am v thankful bc I know I don’t look attractive or sexy or cool and people judge and decide who to socialize with largely based on appearances/ first impressions. Someone who was supposed to be a friend v insensitively remarked (opinion was also not asked for) that I-
1. Look like an orang C / C national (#triggered)
2. Don’t have many “connections” here/ implied that I am only talking to someone (who I enjoy hanging out with) bc that person has “more” “connections” than me, and hurt my sensitive-S soul. But I guess this is life and growing up: learning to have thick-S skin and smiling at the people while they slap you in the face. I hope that’s maturity. I also know the truth myself.
On a brighter side, I have learnt to be Really comfortable w being by myself and just doing me here; am so thankful for space here. :)
—————————————————————-
Sep 6- Trust.
A few days ago I was amazed by His provision of situations and things that have made my life here much better. Just yesterday, I witnessed that God also provides the people we need, without us doing anything but just showing up for Him to work. :) I might be speaking too soon, and am also scared of jinxing myself, but I just feel like this is Him. And it was Him telling me that sometimes I just have to Trust, instead of depleting all my energy doing things I don’t actually enjoy doing, with people who I actually don’t appreciate, trying so hard to form “connections” that are so superficial/ would never last beyond weeks. Honestly, I really haven’t been the closest to Him in a while (since C), and I always feel like I’m so imperfect/ undeserving, but He has been showing me time and again that even though I’ve not been praying / communicating w Him bout my needs, I have miraculously gotten just enough of everything to get through day by day, week by week, by and only by His grace. He knows what I need and has given them to me. Still can’t get over how much He knows bout what’s going on inside my tiny petty heart and overthinking head, and that despite me being such an insignificant not-so-tiny human bein, He still provides for and beyond my daily needs.
I’ve learnt over the past 3 days that not everyone is (most people are prolly not) for me; but I was also reminded through someone’s words that by despite me being me, I‘ve met enough (more than enough) good people in my life. So I’m just gonna be thankful :)
Btw, am so SO excited for the trip tmr! It was one of the places I’ve wanted to visit from the start but could only dream of/ never dared to ask/ couldn’t make sure I’d actually get to go, bc I can’t drive :( also thought that I’d need months to find nice enough people to travel with/ people who can and are willing to take me on a trip and wouldn’t treat me like I don’t exist. So I totally didn’t expect this to be happening so soon. (screams internally) And thing is, I didn’t even have to try to talk/ leave my comfort zone- it’s like God just placed them in that place at that time and BAM.
I.o.n, IB brought up the term “wholesome” recently, and used it to describe me. I’ve never thought of myself that way bc I’m so flawed, not nice and far from a good person. But I guess that’s where grace and faith bring us- from imperfect sinners to one whole of a person in Him, bc He fills up and completes my gaps. I’m defo still far from “wholesomeness” and I defo still sin, but I guess thanks to her, I realized that I really do like wholesome, natural, organic, nutritious, just Good, things/ people/ places :))
And just like for plants and agriculture, growth and good things happen in the presence of light and nutrition, not in darkness and toxins.
1/8 one step at a time
Thursday, August 2, 2018 | 8/02/2018 01:36:00 AM |
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Today I met up with someone who I treasure, and felt really encouraged and understood for the first time in a while. Thank you for grounding me in faith and grace, for listening and understanding, and for your affirmations every time.
I learnt a few things after tnite:
1. I really don’t have many friends, esp in a world that is growing so fake. But I have a handful of real friends and a few rocks who I should be grateful for.
2. “Stop thinking everyone dislikes you”. (although most ppl prolly still do hahaha)
3. I am blessed and I have a lot more than many, so for that I should be more appreciative.
4. As done as I may feel w life and love rn, the world could use (does need) more love. And combined with no.3, I guess the lesson is: give. give more.
5. It’s okay to think that two is better than one.
6. I overthink and I’m sensitive. I don’t always worry, but understand and feel a lot of things that are beyond my age. Which could explain why I haven’t been a very happy youth / ya, or why I tend to feel unfitting with ppl my age. Someone finally put that into words for me today. But I also realized that it’s not sth I can help or change. So embrace. Overcome. Trust more.
These two weeks have been accompanied by ICU visits, a funeral, and news of the passing of a respected figure omw home. I guess, a timely reminder of how precious and short life is. So treasure people who are important to you more, everyday. Treasure your own life more.
There have honestly been days recently when I wondered if I was depressed, when everything positive about me felt so fake. Tnite made me feel much better. Looking forward to a restful and peaceful weekend! I will keep my promise to try, and hopefully find what I need to seek 🎈
positivity
Sunday, February 4, 2018 | 2/04/2018 04:07:00 PM |
0 commentsDk if I mentioned in the previous post,
but I've been feeling really restless since I came back
crazy restless restless
sad/unhappy/empty restless restless
I think something's wrong with me but idk what
I wish i could say it's something wrong w my body or with life but nope, I think it's just me.
I wish someone could help me bc I don't even know if I have my walk w God right now.
but there aren't right people to talk to
haven't met yj and ym this entire week?
lol on that topic, I feel like i only talk to so few people when I should open up to more.
but my 心好累 like idk who to open up to and what to tell them about, bc i'm so used to everyone leaving.
but i can't only rely on like ym yj and the very few other close friends I have bc they have other stuff to do and other commitments and being attached etc.
sAAAAAAAAAAd.
I feel like me replying people a few days late and not wanting to open messages etc is a fear of commitment?
Idw to be the person who cares more anymore. the one who's always earlier than others. but that's not good bc i'm starting to miss important messages (work/aimun-related?) and turn up late for work.
I think the old me would never do stuff like that...? Idk. sigh.
There's something seriously wrong in my walk with God because in China I just go for service/ play piano but don't stay for sunday school and dont attend fellowship (me/sm are the only ones in Uni the rest already working so the difference is real? plus all chinese). Then in SG idk what i'm doing in sunday school (trying to be a joke so ppl stop thinking im a perfect shit or idk what) and i have no fellowship and choir is tbh just lol a way to try to stay connected.
When people talk to me with long messages or try to be friendly to me, I constantly need to remind myself that they're not as close to me as I think they are, and idk if that puts distance in majority of my friendships/rlshps but then again i think there's that 99.9% chance that they're really not that close and I'm overthinking again.
I feel confused and really empty but i dun have people in Christ who I can talk to about these problems? maybe P but i joke more with her than be serious w her. there's also soph but i feel abit uncomfortable now that she's married and idk ahaha. oh wells.
In the real physical health sector, I'm just really unhealthy and bad and terrible and basically a piece of sh*t who doesn't deserve help but my doctors/nurses have been really nice to me since the last visit lol. I think could be cos 1. my HBA1C went up (a lot) from the last visit and freaked them out or 2. I was 80% close to having a meltdown/screaming at them again and they realized they can't expect me to be the perfect lab-rat/dummy humans that they're used to having.
but anw doct's called me to check in and arranged a 2nd appointment to see me before I fly back even though he doesnt have clinic on that day/ doesn't have a room to see me and need crash other doctors' clinics. and one of the 3 nurses is really nice she texts me a few times a week to ask how my sugars are, if im having lows, if the sensor is fine etc. but i feel bad bc i dun think i even care about my life as much as them and idk why they care about my life also AHAHAHA.
and my parents just spent more to get me my sensor thingum that saves me a lot of pricking and makes me look a tiny bit like a robot (though some people are freaked out by the fact that there's a needle in me all the time lol imagine if i got a pump then?) but ya waste more $ always wasting $ on me.
Looking at more positive stuff, quite glad the party last Sun went well and I met most of the people who I missed/cared about and I think those who showed up also care la haha :) liked/loved all the gifts and the thoughts behind them like really! not fake fake like. think most people were really sincere ahahaha so thanks a lot :) 破费了!!!
And of the text messages I got on that day itself (thanks to everyone who wished me also on the actual day despite the party and all bc guess what my own mom didn't wish me hpd/reply my wishes until the end of the day cos she was "so busy" at work and I spent the entire day thinking she was mad with me), there were 2 that I really appreciate ahaha:
1. "Hope you always rmb how loved you are!" -P
2. "Please know u deserve a lot more than you actl think you do" -Cinderella
I feel bad coming home every break feeling so burnt-out and needing like "healing" before going back and getting so tired and scarred in C again, cos my most loved ones are here and they deserve to see the best of me but i'm running so low on energy and idk why.
Internship at the scholarship board has been fine/ people have been nice and all but there's this particular dark cloud that has been shadowing me and making me feel bad but i'm just trying to overlook that cloud and survive there for 10(?) more days. That's I guess already the least of problems.
oh wells today's a Sunday i should really be more holy and positive or sth haha looking for my positivity please come back to me.
Saw a post on social media by a bride and I felt quite impacted haha idk maybe I'm hoping (dreaming) that's what I could say of whoever I meet next time lollol:
"Thank you for being so simple, so loving, so assuring, so uncomplicated, so honest. Thank you for making me feel so secure, and for loving me even when you're angry."
That feels like a powerful love, and I think to Christians the most powerful love should be from God and all, but idk if I've drifted too far bc sometimes I really don't quite feel it? but wow, to find someone who would still love you when they're angry seems quite amazing to me somehow haha.
oh wells let's first find someone who would want to love me then talk HAHAHAHHA.
sigh xiao regrets making myself so 伤痕累累 over the past few years bc now i feel totally unlovable which makes me unattractive and actually unlovable, and all the trust issues ahaha sigh sorry guys.
and just a really big thank you to everyone who hasn't given up on me and is still around hahaha and i hope yall won't give up. Hopefully I can become someone who is worth it and who my family and friends will be proud of.
May this week be a better and more positive week!!!!!!
Monday, January 22, 2018 | 1/22/2018 02:16:00 AM |
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Haven’t been updating about my life and random ppl have been like “hey how’s life what’s up” like they expecting lotsa stories from life abroad and I tend to just say “I’m fine life’s good!” but actually life has been so much more? I just dk which part of “life” is most impt to tell them about haha. And sometimes a question like “how are you” feels so open and inviting but you never really know how much ppl wanna hear, like if it’s just a courtesy call that you could wing past or whether u have to plunge deep (I don’t think I’m ever ready to though ha ha)
So I’m beginning to feel abit like why try so hard? If you’re in my life you’d know what’s going on, and if you aren’t then you won’t?
And idrk, maybe the hiatus from IG to study during finals made me lose the momentum/ interest to keep posting on IG. (Speaking of which, studied the hardest in 1.5 years this semester but I think my gpa this sem will be the lowest. Damn life.)
Anyways. Coming back has felt like too much of a dream? Idk why, but it’s like when you’re away you think of your room, your bed, the weather, even buses and simple random moments. And now I feel like when I go through these moments they feel so surreal and dreamlike. Even waking up on my bed or lying on my bed feels surreal. Is this what happens when you decide to study abroad and at a less developed country? Idk but home is beginning to feel more dreamy and it’s making me feel honestly, a little scared.
What I’ve been up to:
Today marks a week since coming back. I think I reached home ard this time last week too haha. The week has been filled with meetups everyday and I also started binge-watching Chicago PD. At Season2 Ep18 after 1 week. That’s 33 episodes so far. Pretty crazy? But it’s so awesome idk I just really love such shows. And they feel better than the ton of realities I have to face both in C and back home ha ha ha. Have been feeling pretty stressed out because of the dumbest reasons ever.
1. AIMUN study guide has been haunting me for the entire week bc I’ve been too unmotivated to finish it. Ytd I slept at 4am to chiong finish a less-than-decent version and today the comments came back alr (yay to a super efficient acad director) and I have 1 week to finish a second draft? back to being haunted Haunted HAUNTED every second I am out and enjoying myself.
2. Guess which joker decided to celebrate her 21st and is totally regretting it right now? Yes me, yay! I feel like I’m doing this just to entertain or make the people around me happy. I don’t even feel like I’m ready to turn 21, idw to turn 21 bc it’s so Old, the past 20 years of my life have been less than glorious, and right now I feel like I’ve had enough of life and I’m dreading having to go through 1 more year of it. So which part of my life are we actually celebrating? No one knows. The answer is always “how would I know? You have to decide yourself.” If I were to decide? There’s nothing worth celebrating about me.
So the whole of this week I’ve just been listening to the closest friends and family stress for me and how I don’t have my sh*t together to hold a good party and how I don’t have this I don’t have that. Don’t get me wrong, I seriously appreciate all that my friends have been doing for me so far, but sometimes I get so frustrated bc I didn’t decide to celebrate my bday for the sake of making the ppl around me stressed or even myself stressed? And I find myself doing some things just to make them happy when I really don’t give a sh*t about it. But at the end of the day it’s for me so I should be thankful?
I just wanted to have a party bc I was in C and I missed everyone so I wanted to just gather all the ppl I treasure and meet everyone and eat together and all, but it involves so much more cost than I thought it would? Food, decorations, everything to just look good would cost so much. Not to mention that those who come would probably have to get gifts and that’s more $ wasted (on me, if I may say) when all the $ could just have been donated to charity or something. So why, why, why did I decide to do this?
If I were to dig deep into the ugly side of myself, I guess I could say it might’ve come from insecurities while being away that people would forget about me if I didn’t celebrate? I figured out the whole “only if you love yourself then people will love you” bs might work.
The other part (point 2a?) about this is that I get so stressed over my looks and weight again bc idw to take ugly pics that I will look back on in 20 years and regret looking so gross. I bought my clothes alr (thanks sym) and those who I’ve showed to said they’re nice but just wait a second beCause I feel like sometimes clothes look so pretty and nice but it rlly doesn’t matter if the one who’s wearing it is fat and ugly? I just hope I don’t make nice clothes look bad.
3.As a continuation of firstworldproblems2, one of my korean friends decided to fly over to sg for my party, to help me plan and stuff and she said she wants to do my makeup (lol) but her plan of comin 4-5 days became 7-8 days and I feel like there’s a real difference?? I mean I’m super touched and thankful that she bought tix to come here and all but it’s abit stressful cos I have to take care of her and set aside the whole week to bring her around and i have so many things in between (hospital checkup, worship prac, meetups, sfcca stuff, bday celebs). Plus I can’t decide if i wanna let her just stay in Helen’s old room (cos it’s like the maid’s room. But the best-sister-ever refuses to let her sleep on my bed and I sleep in Helen’s room) or let dad book a hotel room for her for the next few nights? Now I’m more for her just staying w us bc it’s free and it’s a decent room w toilet and I get to be at my own dreamlike home although it will mean my family has less space to rest. But my dad was so willing to just pay for her accoms for a whole week at a hotel and I was like ?? No that’s not happening I’m not gg to cause more trouble/$ to ppl around me. But this has also been bugging me sigh irdk what to do. I’m just gg to try take on the mindset that I could play and travel w her and be a tourist too? Haha at least I’m not like working like adults so my life is already much better than others haha
How and when did I even get so cynical about life? I think it could be C changing me and how I had no chance to do a proper closure to my 2017 bc of finals so only now I feel like 2017 has ended/ 2018 has kicked in so I haven’t gotten my shit tgt? Or maybe I just changed to be an even more terrible person. HAHAHA what am I even doing on earth?? Ok I think blogging just unleashes all the negativity in me bc idk irl I don’t like to face my problems and shit.
Sorry I should be more positive so I could attract more ppl or ppl wouldn’t want to run away from me so badly but idk the me right now just feels crazy and tired. And I haven’t done devotions since I came back to sg (another part of feeling like this is some dream holiday lalaland where I don’t need God?) ((but also came back knowing I’m still not part of a cg/fellowship/group or anyth AND an upgrade this year is not having a Sunday sch class so am I even still a member of the church?? Honestly I often feel like B pulls me further away from God than it brings me to Him sigh and I just go there every week putting up a poker +joker face just so ppl stop thinking I’m some problem kid or shit)
But to be real, no one gives a damn about me being ugly and fat and stupid or about my life at all, everyone’s busy just taking care of themselves. So I should just wake up and stop all my crazy self obsession shit? Except I can’t and idk how.
Like I said and felt the entire semester, 开心就好. That phrase seriously helped me to be more acceptive/ care less about what others thought or wanted to do and less judgmental also? As long as they’re happy I shdnt care. But I think I should try to apply that to myself too. Felt so so tired before finals from all the events, then exhausted myself slogging through finals and now that I’m back I’m still feeling tired hahha life man. Not going to be easy but gotta hang in there.
Thanks for reading and if you read all the way till the bottom here you deserve even more than a thanks haha I feel like I’ve been trying to push away a lot of emotions the whole sem and now they’re too deep for me to talk about in normal convos and too long for ig so I’m glad i still have this space and whoever’s still willing to read my bs here. Praying for a restful month before I go back to the battlefields in C.
Ciao. Bye. Peaceout.
18/11
Saturday, November 18, 2017 | 11/18/2017 01:12:00 AM |
0 commentsHey to anyone who's still reading this place!
It's been a super super long time since I've been here and all I can say again is that..
计划赶不上变化 and the only constant in life is.. change.
yes. I feel like I say this every single time when I start a new post. a lot has changed.
for one, a relationship ended again last month and my heart has had a hole that's trying to recover now. there've been good days and bad days but as time passes there are more good days than bad days.
for two (back to the same topic again), ever since I bought my diandong here I haven't lost weight like I did last year and I've had minimal exercise because I took on 保健课/ PE for the handicapped or sick/ Pes E according to my (new, yes) roomie. getting stressed over it although I keep telling myself not to and every meal that I eat I feel guilty and I dont like that feeling. But I know I need to start sheddng the fats and becoming healthier and all because no one likes a fat ugly girl.
for three, I started another ig account that I use now to update about more daily stuff/ those days when you have some feelings but not enough to write a blog post about. so I guess if you're someone who's still reading this now after so many years and so much shit (and my tagboard dying) then you're probably someone who cares about what I feel/think so yeah feel free to send a follow request (@thelineeeee)! (it means at-the-line HAHA ok not punny and idk what line i'm at haha sorry you should know by now how much I suck hahaha) I dont know if I'll give up on this blog yet- really hope not to because it's been here for so so long and I just really hate changes and goodbyes ahahahaha though beginning to accept/get used to them as part of life. Just that it contains so so much of my lfie and essentially is a part of me? But I really dont find that I have much time now to update this blog often anymore, especially in China, so I'll migrate to IG for now since I love posting pictures and quotes more than typing. (though this typing without thinking right now feels kinda therapeutic)
and I'll end off with an article that I read recently that I want to be like/ hope I'm on my way to becoming:
I Am Not The Same Girl Who Used To Let People Take Advantage Of Her
by Holly Riordan
I am not the same girl who used to do everything for people who failed to put in effort themselves. The girl who used to get excited when someone gave her the smallest amount of affection, because she took whatever she could get.
I am not the same girl I was when I was younger. She was innocent. Naive. Overly trusting. She saw the best in people, because she didn’t know what they were capable of doing yet. She didn’t understand how hard a heart could break.
But now, I am more experienced. I have been hurt before. I have been lied to, led on, and betrayed. I can no longer call myself an optimist, because I have seen the darkest parts of people I once trusted.
I should be bitter about all of the shit I’ve been through, but honestly, I consider it a good thing. My worst days have helped shaped me into someone different. Someone
strong.
I am not a pushover anymore. I am not going to allow anyone to treat me as a backup plan. I am not going to allow anyone to string me along without making a commitment. I am not going to lower my standards because I happen to have feelings for someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same way.
I am not going to give out third and fourth chances anymore. I am not going to answer someone’s text if it took them three days to respond to mine. I am not going to rearrange my schedule to see someone if they keep canceling and rescheduling. I am not going to use all of my energy to make someone else happy while neglecting my own happiness.
I am not going to let other people take advantage of me anymore. I am not going to help out a friend if my schedule is packed and the extra activity would push me over the edge. I am not going to kiss someone if I don’t feel a spark, just because they bought me a drink at the bar. I am not going to feel like I am obligated to do something for someone else when I have a choice.
I am not the same girl who used to keep
quiet, who used to go with the flow, who used to let people take advantage of her kindness. I am not the same girl who used to think so little of herself and so highly of everyone else.
Some people might say that I am not as
nice anymore. Some people might have liked me better before, because back then, I let them get away with murder. I let them walk all over me.
But I am happy with who I am now, because I have finally realized my worth. I have finally raised my standards to where they should have been all along. I have finally decided that I deserve more than what some people are willing to give me — and that it is okay to walk away when I’m not getting enough.
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